Thank you for reading these last words from a dying man.
All day long, I’ve been preparing to end my life tonight… and guess what? It’s raining! I laughed when it started. I hadn’t accounted for the weather! Now it’s developed into a full-on thunderstorm. It’s so funny to me that I am resigned to die, yet the prospect of getting a bit wet in the process makes me pause.
If I don’t do it tonight, I’ll do it tomorrow. I leave Earth with no regrets, or shame, or resentment. With the lot I was given, I gave back an honorable effort. That is enough.
You see, this is actually the second time this year I’ve resigned to end my life. The first time was in March. I had been preparing for weeks. For more than a year before that, I had been beyond depressed after being fired from my job (for being depressed). I was in a hellishly bad state. Indescribable suffering, honestly.
That time in March, I suddenly got a little boost. A fun night out with a friend suddenly lifted my spirits, and snapped me out of the psychological trap I was in. It felt like a second chance. So I set aside my suicidal plans in favor of giving life one last try.
The deal was this: I would give 110% effort into getting my life in order, no holding back, no looking back. BUT, the prospect of returning to my previous state terrified me so much, that I had to add that if things ever got close to as bad as they did then, I would end it. Because I know as certainly as I know red from blue, that some fates are worse than death.
I did go on to give that 110% effort. I’m honestly so proud of myself. I had some big wins, and many losses. But I always kept getting up, kept moving forward. In a few months, passed many milestones. I freed myself of panic attacks, I quit smoking, quit drinking, got my sleep schedule consistent, lost 25lb, applied for countless jobs, meditated daily, and learned self-defense. I did all of this — the ups and the downs — completely alone. I have friends & family, but unfortunately all of my relationships are superficial at best, and abusive at worst.
Sadly, in the end, I failed. Despite my mighty efforts, yesterday I recognized the psychological state I was in — panic, dread, shame, depression, all at once in a paralyzing cocktail of pain. I have returned to the place I promised I would never to go back to.
So it’s time to hold up my end of the bargain. I fought, I lost, now I rest. Good bye world, you take care now. And remember to pack an umbrella.
6 comments
After the rain the sun comes. I hope it came for you too. I dont know if you did it or not but my hopes for you is still the same, eather it will shine above your grave, or your head. My greetings and a goodbye too you. Farewell.
Peace.
Extremely relatable post. The story you outline has been mine too except for the effort part, the effort I made has been minimal. One thing you can say with conviction is that you genuinely tried and it just didn’t work out. I’ll second what Once has said in the comment above – Peace!
I know I can’t really change anything with my comment, but I guess I hope that you’ll continue living and feel better again. After all, if you felt better before, maybe it can happen again. Maybe this is something you’ll overcome.
In any case, I wish you luck. You seem like a cool person
You got up, achieved much and fell. Please, do not give up; for, if you achieved so much, if you keep trying you’ll make your gains a habit too!
Please, do not despair, there is always hope, and you are an incredibly strong Soul, I can recognize myself in you, please do not give up, do not impede yourself from getting up, especially after having achieved so much.
One thing that I’ve learned is that true change can take years to implement. The average person can make adjustments, little by little, over the years and improve their life and circumstances.
Yet you’ve already accomplished so much in such a short time. Think of how far you can go in the future with such drive and ambition!
You had a set-back, a relapse, whatever you want to call it. Don’t let this detract from your goals. When we fall, we get back up again and keep going.
So, hold on tight to your bouy and keep swimming. There will be ups and downs but if you continue on a path of determination you WILL see your life improve. It happened to me so it can happen to you too. Yes, I’m sometimes depressed but no longer want to die in the near future.
?? . Courage & Strength.