Praying for a guiltless death

I find myself planning my death every week or two. Each one more comforting than the last, there’s but a single reason keeping me from carrying these plans out. I do love my wife, more than anything I want to spend my days with her, doing nothing at all, and yet I still find myself alone and struggling to find pleasure in life. Not because i have no one, everyone in my life are very open with each other and i do believe my wife and I understand each other to the core.

But every day, i fantasize about her death. For no other reason than I wish to die myself, but don’t want to abandon her. I know she won’t follow me to the “other side” and i don’t want her to make that decision for me. But I must admit it makes the act itself much easier. And then there’s the other side that if people know my wife died, they will understand the reaction and I can safely say I have full confidence in my plans to prevent any interruptions or saviors from interfering.

I don’t know why I feel this way, either. I’ve worked hard and acheived all my goals in life. I can finally look in the mirror and see someone I like, and am proud of. Yet through as many meds as we try, this is still the only path I wish to continue. No more goals to acheive, this is it. I won. Roll credits already. Tell the audience to go home.