I’ve made so many mistakes that whenever I pause to think on how things came to be the way they are, my head starts to hurt. Every time things go slightly well, a million reasons why things will inevitably get worse come to mind. With such a bad past, such a bleak present, and such a hopeless future, I don’t know what to do really. It’s like the world will never let me forget. I can’t forget how people are. I can’t forget who I am, and what I’ve done, and what has been done to me in turn. There’s this wall of shadows between me and everyone else. Everything feels awkward and wrong, bent into odd shapes and angles. Lights are too bright, colors are too flashy, and then there’s nothing at all but the standard weary grey.
Somewhere at the very bottom of my heart I wanted to be a noble person. I don’t know where and how things went wrong. I don’t know what nobility even means anymore, or how one is expected to live with integrity in this insane world. When you hate everything you see and you become incapable of closing your eyes, how do you force yourself to be kind? How do you force yourself to care when all you feel is despair?
I want to start over. I want a second chance at everything, a clean slate, a new beginning. I want to forget the traumas in my past. I want to be forgiven for my mistakes. At this point, I will admit that I am sick. I live with a mental illness, I do admit that. I may be right about everything, but that doesn’t mean I’m healthy. Sometimes being healthy means you’re ignorant. Sometimes being healthy means being wrong, being blind, being stupid.
I am sick, and I don’t want to get better if it means sacrificing the sight that I’ve suffered so much to gain. But I think I can live with my illness, if all the events of my past were magically reset, and I started with a clean slate. This time around, I feel I could be more careful about my thoughts and actions and avoid the mistakes I’ve made in my pain and anger. Unfortunately there is no clean slate, not in this lifetime.
I’ll still do what I can, in the conditions I’m in. It’s just unfortunate I suppose. I suppose I’m just cribbing at the end of the day about how “life is unfair” and how “things are so hard”, which is pretty pathetic. But it really is unfair, and it really is hard, and it sucks. It sucks that every time you figure out how to jump over the previous hurdle, the next hurdle becomes twice as large. It’s like an endless game with no win condition and no lose condition. You just suffer, and suffer, and suffer.