I wish I wasn’t so goddamm soft and weak!

I’m 24 years old and I still struggle with having some decent self esteem. I’m a fucking joke of a man! It hurts so bad. I swear when I get my own place and leave this place……my mom and dad need to learn that I don’t want their protection. Overprotective parents ruin a child’s life especially if that child is a boy! I’m leaving one of these days and when I do I won’t be telling em. I’ll just be gone some morning. I know exactly what I need to do. It’s only a matter of time now. Im actually thirsty for some hardship in my life. I want to just throw myself into the abyss. Of course everytime I say this a bunch of people who don’t understand what I’m feeling will say that it’s unnecessary because they fear that I won’t be able to survive but fuck em! I know what I need and want better than any of them! Self destruction is what I need! This half ass attempt at gaining some masculinity while living comfortably isn’t getting me anywhere. If one is serious then he goes all the fucking way with no safety nets! And that’s what I’m ready and willing to do. This is precisely why I won’t be telling anyone on the day that I leave because I don’t wanna hear their ignorant disapproval of me moving to some rough area of town. I need that roughness and that’s something they don’t understand about me. They tried it by forcing me to play football all these years and it kinda worked but I was still missing a vital component. I have to be the one that wants it. I don’t want them to FORCE me to do anything. I’m doing this because I want to do it. No one else is telling me to do it, I’m just gonna do it because it’s what I want and there’s definitely a difference between being forced to do something vs doing something because you want to. This time I won’t be challenging myself because my parents are telling me to but because I want to. I just want the old me to die! I don’t have time for fun and games! I can’t just take it easy because I’ve been taking it easy all my life and I fucking hate it! All the bullying I go through even as an adult….it fucking kills me inside! I need to to change! I want to change! Call me crazy, call me an idiot all you want but I’ll be leaving my nice home in the nice suburbia in exchange for some self discovery! I need to lose everything. I don’t want an “advantage” that restricts my ability to experience true hardship without some stupid safety net always catching me. I envy the kids who didn’t have it so easy. Those same kids who are now adults probably can’t understand why I ended up this way but it matters not because I know myself better than they do. I was overprotected as a child and it had consequences. My parents are just gonna have to accept that I don’t want their protection anymore. I only have one life and it’s been miserable. I can’t keep living afraid. I wanna break free…