I haven’t posted here in awhile

Was going through my email and found an old email from this website. Holy hell it’s been years. Things got better and things got worse. The sad thing is the feeling of wanting to kill myself never left. But I have decided to live for those around me. Those who enjoy seeing me and my time. But i know when I get home I always make my peace with leaving them. I always know they’ll be okay when I’m gone. I’m not that important to anyone. I stopped being important long ago. I used to be sad my ex girlfriend left me and cheated on me. But now I hope she does good in life. I used to always search for a reason to live. But now I just patiently wait for death. After all that’s the only guarantee in life. That one day we will all die.

I tried finding god. But always failed. Instead now I look at religion as rules to being a good person. And that’s all I strive to be. I’ll put myself through so much pain just so others can feel a moment of bliss. I grew up in an Islamic household. Never liked it. Didn’t feel like it was for me. But it makes my mom happy to see me pray so I pray. She doesn’t have much time left. Her cancer has been getting worse. So I pray for her. I made my peace with leaving her years ago. But I never made my peace with her leaving. But i know I do not want her to experience losing a child. She is a good woman and a mother.

I’ve met new girls since my ex that destroyed me. One girl lasted 3 years. A beautiful relationship that came to an end because I’m just a shitty person. It’s not my fault I get sad and shut down or try to get attention from others. Who am I kidding it’s my fault. I should know how to control these things.

Now a days I just hope for the best for everyone else. I hope everyone can make it through what ever they’re dealing with. I hope people can find the light in this dark cruel world. I hope the pain anyone feels just disappears. I would take all the pain away from everyone if I could.