The more time passes, the less reasons I find to stay in this world

I feel like I don’t exist anymore. Like everyone around me exists on another level, another plane. Its so hard to be seen. Every time I finally work up the courage to say something to someone, they ignore me or do not care. Even my friends are slowly leaving me. I keep trying to talk to them, and they keep pushing me away, talking to other people. Even my friend for the last 3 years, it feels like they now just don’t want to be around me at all.
My family isn’t much help either. My parents refuse me any sort of mental health services. I guess having a child with a mental illness would taint their reputation. My dad is the most childish, arrogant, hypocritical person. I feel like I’m just his worker, just simply there to keep his reputation, to keep his legacy. My mother isn’t much better, she’s just a lot smarter about it.
At this point, every day I feel like I’m going insane. Every day is a constant struggle, just to get noticed, just for a few drops of acknowledgment. I just want to be seen. I want to be heard
Part of me thinks that maybe thats all there is to this life. Just being a background prop, I’m not supposed to form connections with the main characters. I’m just supposed to blur into the background. If I left the show, no one would notice. Not one person would shed a tear. If no one even sees you or hears you, whats even the point of living?
I’ve tried living for myself, but I can’t, because I hate the person I am. I hate how I have to work up the courage every time I have to say something to someone. I hate the constant chatter, the voices in my head yelling at me. I hate my face, I hate my skin, I want to just rip it all off sometimes.
I’ve tried changing my life, changing myself, but whats even the point, if no one can be proud of you. Whats even the point if I can’t even be proud of myself.
I used to believe in miracles at one point… I used to wait, for something to happen. Maybe my parents would die finally, and I’d get into s family that actually supports me. Maybe something happens to me, and people come to check in. Maybe someone asks me, just once, if I’m ok. None of it happens. There are no miracles for me. I’m not worth a miracle.
Maybe its a good thing people don’t notice me. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone else. Maybe if people notice me, I might just become a burden to them. Maybe just me being there is a burden. Maybe thats all I am, just burden
I want others to be happy. I truly do. But if people can’t even see me, how can I make them happy
I can’t find much reason anymore to stay alive. I don’t want to keep my head above the water anymore, when I know that no ones coming to pull me out. I can’t make anyone happy anymore. I can’t make anyone see me. Maybe thats a good thing. It will make being at peace easier. Knowing that I don’t matter to anyone, and I never will, so I can’t hurt anyone either