convos with anyone are getting scarce, it feels weird to talk when im in call with a friend or when talking to one of my family members, mostly because i hardly use it nowadays.
so silently, im sinking in stress and puddle of sadness i made for myself. i wanna cry out for help, but would it be worth it? does anyone really care enough to reach out and say “you mean alot to me”? do i mean anything to anyone? i have friends, but i hardly talk to them. the only time people talk to me is when they want something from me. i feel so alone. i want to make friends but its so hard. why was i born to die alone?
im not worth anything to anyone anymore, was i worth anything in the first place? if i kill myself right here and right now in my room, would anyone bother opening my room’s door? would they not care about my corpse’s stench?
i wish i can be reborn into a new life, one with a nice brother, a group of friends that aren’t entirely on the internet, and parents that believe me when i say something bad happens. im so tired of staying up late at night with horrible thoughts running through my head, im so tired of fighting alone. i can’t take it anymore.
2 comments
That’s the irony of our times, we’re surrounded by millions of people but they’re strangers and we feel alone.
In the olden days we lived in small towns and villages. People had to rely on one another for survival, so they were closer and more supportive/helpful.
Unfortunately in the present, people won’t really give anyone else the time of day unless they’re rich or popular in some way.
I think with Covid, people have felt more isolated and disconnected. In my city, those restrictions are being lifted and we’re going back to ‘normal.’
If you have anyone that you’re close with, you can try to have a conversation with them. The other option is to find ways to hang out with your friends and that’s another way not to feel as lonely.
Keep in mind you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. If you make others feel good, make them laugh, they want you around. Conversely if they feel you’re giving them problems then they avoid you.
Sometimes we have to put on a face and pretend to be fine so that we can get that social interaction. I’ve experience some loneliness as well so I know how it feels, it’s pretty bad and can alone make one feel depressed and suicidal.
I guess at times it’s made me a little neurotic in that I sometimes read too much into some causal things people say to me. Ofc in general I pretend to brush it off because if I start pulling on some of those threads, I might create problems and wreck my relationships.
But it goes both ways, there are a couple of people, ‘friends,’ I don’t really like in my life, but I can’t get rid of them until I find someone better to replace them with, so I tolerate them.
However if someone crosses a line with me repeatedly, then they’re out (of my life). I stopped talking to one family member a while back because I realized that she is a truly toxic person. I just have a hard time accepting there are people who are really that evil and selfish out there, so I give them one too many chances.
It took me years to realize that she is a textbook sociopath, very good at manipulation and making you believe she’s on your side, then she stabs you in the back when it suits her. But now I have no more illusions and I’m better off for it.
But getting back to you, as you mentioned you have some contacts, see what you can do about improving those relationships. Do keep in mind people don’t want to feel like they’re obligated or burdened to talk to you, don’t try to use them for therapy, unless they are open to listening. Just be casual, friendly and they’ll warm up to you.
Relatable ?