I’m am not doing good, I am not doing fucking good. I hate that I choose to go at it alone. How do I ask for help?
I’m already constantly feeling like shit but now i’m going broke and possibly a month or two away from losing my job. I don’t know what i’ll do. I hate that this is happening and I won’t say anything. I don’t even know if I can hide it anymore, my dad asked me how was work and he had this look on his face like he suspected it was not a good day. All I could get out while I looked down at my food was “It was good, we got out on time.” What the fuck was that? It was not good it was terrible, my manager sat me down and talked to me about how I have one month to improve or else i’ll be reviewed for termination. That fact on top of the lingering stress that I can’t pay my fucking debt or afford to have fun is killing me. Maybe there are ways to get out of the situation I will be in very soon but the easiest and most convenient solution sounds very enticing right about now.
I’ve wasted this life. I’ve done nothing and I am nothing. The people around me are moving on, got their careers set, starting families, and building a future. Building a future, that must be so fucking nice. The only future I have always imagined for me is dying alone. I’m almost there.
2 comments
There was a meme on the vaccine, I’ll adapt it to the situation:
If the donkey studies it will get the carrot.
If the donkey behaves like an adult it will get the carrot.
If the donkey gets into college it will get the carrot.
If the donkey works hard it will get the carrot.
If the donkey works a side job and night shifts it will get the carrot.
If the donkey keeps paying its debt it will get the carrot.
If the donkey buys/gets XYZ it will get the carrot.
The donkey anyway did not achieve financial independence, a nice shelter and family, nor free time. We judge that the donkey has not tried hard enough, we judge the donkey does not deserve the carrot.
It’s a rigged game if one tries to live how they tell you to live. Remember that when Covid hit they wanted to put an extra tax on people who work from home? They just search for every possible way to exprime the bulk population from every extra income. By getting people to go to University (in US’s case), telling people to buy a car and a big house, all sorts of things to pull people into the debt trap.
I’ve met old English couples in my 2nd world home country, they know it’s cheap to live there. One has to find ways to loophole the system, cuz it’s designed to milk people.
It seems like you’re under a lot of stress. I believe there might be a solution for all the problems you raise. Firstly if you’re experiencing depression or some other mental illness then you can maybe explain that to your manager and get a medical leave of absence or perhaps financial support if your company offers it.
Secondly if you live with family then you have a ‘safety net’ of sorts. Assuming they’re ok if you go jobless for a short period of time until you feel better and find another job or fix the issues with your current position.
As for debts, if it’s too much to handle you can declare bankruptcy in the extreme case which wipes out the debts or do a debt restructuring where the creditors will agree to accept a smaller amount.
Your last paragraph described my situation also, perhaps many of us are in that boat. Though starting families can be a trap for some people, but for me I should’ve been ahead career-wise and I played my cards wrong.
The one upside to my life is that my job is fairly secure and I’ll soon be finally in the position to buy rather than rent a place, if all goes well. I’m 50 this year and not very enamored with life. I see my face in the mirror, I’m the same person I’ve always been, but slightly chubbier, with thinning gray hair which I occasionally color to look younger. I would’ve preferred to have smartened up in my 20s or 30s…but I took my youth for granted.
Looking back, despite my problems, I had it pretty good and was able to attract more women. It’s a catch 22 though, for me at least either I was young but fairly poor and struggling to get educated/start a career, or older with a job and less attractive. Plus when I’m wasting my life making money, it’s time away from trying to find a beautiful gf/partner.
I also messed up some excellent opportunities I had that were “in my hand” at the time and I foolishly let them go. Once I have my own place, I’m going to use my free time in the evenings to get back in shape and to find my significant other.
I wish I wasn’t such an idiot in so many ways, everything I wanted was usually right in front of me, ready for the asking but my head was in the clouds, to put it in polite terms. At least I wised up now and I’m doing what I can to make the most of the life I still have….but I also think about ending it on occasion too.