Still here…

I didn’t leave him, my husband that is uts been so long since my last post and I’m still here. Same stupid crap same relationship. When I told him I was leaving he promised things would change and they did. He started treating me right and being more loving and supportive towards me. All the lies I held came to light and he swept them under the rug. I rely thought I was going to be happy, I really thought things would have changed but maybe I can’t change, maybe I’m not allowed to be happy. I really just want to die now more then ever but I’m scared. COVID took my mommy Dec 7th 2020.and my grandma on Sep 27th 2021. I held my mom’s hand as she died. Watching her gasp for air, struggling to fill her lungs was hard. I don’t want to die painfully. The lies are back, the pain is back, the hurtful comments are back. I’m a garbage human and I should have died. But no I’m resilient. My husband and his parents who we live with now all got covid but not me. We can’t afford rent so I’m working 2 jobs and I never have a day off now and I’m over worked. The lies came out again. Causing more pain. I just don’t want to be here anymore. His parents got approved for a home and they can afford it without my income. Maybe now is the best time. I held off for my mom, she was up in age. 83 when she died and had a bunch of health issues. Yes I was adopted. I knew if I died before her she would die from shock. But now she’s gone, forever. I want her back so bad. I feel I have nothing left really holding me down anymore. I’m diabetic, maybe I can take too much insulin and just slip into a coma or have to much Oj and cheese to make it spike. I don’t know I just don’t want to suffer like my mommy did. She squeezed my hand before she passed. I’m just so exhausted from fighting an uphill battle I feel ill never win.