Been A Minute

The last two months have been pretty alright. The final demo went fine and we got a good grade. Honestly don’t think it deserved it, but I think I will never be able to accept praise regardless of what I actually produced. I’m always going to see it as a failure, no matter what the actual reality is. Point is it’s done. I graduated and got my Bachelors. Now on to graduate school.

Forgot if I mentioned this, but I got a scholarship from a big company. Full ride. Monthly stipend that would be enough to cover at least the rent of a single bedroom apartment. Promises of an internship for next summer and priority application for when I need a job. What a mixture of feelings. First I felt proud, then scared, then angry, then cautious, and now I’m feeling bliss I know won’t last. My initial reaction was surprise and happiness that I don’t have to worry about money like I have. Then I thought it must have been a mistake. When I told my mother right away she thought it must have been a scam. My own mother couldn’t believe that I was good enough, that it wasn’t real. Fair enough. Logically looking at it, me, the school, and the amount of money they were offering, of course it seemed unlikely.

Then I thought about what happens if I can’t make it in that school. Would I have to pay them back? Would I have to pay them back in interest? Fear that I land flat on my face. Fear that I somehow tricked them into thinking I was something I’m not and when I finally get there I’m just going to fuck it up. Of course because I couldn’t stop myself I also applied for a position at a lab I was interested hoping that I could be something. The director of the lab interviewed me and said I got in. They thought that since I had some experience with the capstone (the one I’ve agonized over not being any good at and thought was absolute shit) I would be a good fit. I remember trying to tell him that I’m not that great and was honest that I don’t know a whole lot. I tried to tell him that the capstone could have been better. I said that it’s been a while since I’ve done any circuit design but I would try. I mentioned that I wanted to design and that I would help where needed. Even though I panic and don’t really try. Sometimes I feel like I oversell myself, but also undersell myself to get pity points. Sometimes I can’t even tell my own motives for what I say or how I say it. Point is, now I’m probably way in over my head for something that is way out of my depth.

Now I’m cautiously trying to see if maybe I read up on things and hopeful that maybe the classes will teach me something or maybe when push comes to shove I’ll do good. I don’t know. Still haven’t read any of the previous academic reports on the project and haven’t looked into any of what the project lead showed me. I’m a lazy prick huh. Going to start tomorrow maybe. Probably won’t.

Now I’m just spending my days doing fuck all, waiting until I go to Massachusetts. Bliss I know won’t last.