Been weirdly feeling happier about realizing that I’m slowly building up the courage to finally do it….
I’m still not sure that I ever will but today I felt just a bit closer to that point and somehow that makes me feel happier for some reason… maybe its just the sense of having a goal
2 comments
planning something that you expect to happen is a dopamine rush. Doesn’t really matter what it is, human brain likes to lay out expectations and meet them
being conflicted is the painful thing, not knowing which way to go. having an exit is a joyful feeling in my experience…. and I still miss it. It’ll come back when it’s time, maybe a terminal diagnosis, maybe a lack of people who’ll notice, but I’m certain I’ll be dead soon enough
Lately I’ve had a few days when I said out loud: “I’m going to kill myself today”. It didn’t sound weird. It sounded like a plan.