It’s hard to know what to do from here. The things I value in life are largely unrealistic and out of reach. But I can’t seem to bring myself to let go. To accept that it’s over. I failed to live life in a way that effectively worked towards anything. And now it’s over – it’s too late.
While everyone else was running the race, I was sitting at the start line. And now even if I start running, by the time I get halfway round, the race will be long over.
So it’s over – I failed to participate. But these parts of me still have this urge to get up and start running. To chase the goal that’s already a vanishing dot on the horizon.
And that wouldn’t be a problem, except life hurts. Living hurts. Trying, and failing, and knowing that you’re going to fail – it all hurts. Shame, and despair, and longing, and fear, and regret. It all hurts. This aged broken body of mine hurts more by the year.
And I don’t want to hurt anymore. So it’s hard, to know what to do. Whether to put myself through more hurt in the pointless pursuit of an impossible goal. Or force myself to finally end it, to let go of the dreams of a life that are rapidly vanishing into the distance.
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I’m running behind the race myself. I know, at this point, I will never win the race, but I think I’m going to try to finish the race anyway. You see, before, I was running against everyone else. Now, my only opponent is myself. I believe I can overcome myself.
Why don’t you come and finish the race with me?
Hmmm…I think this might be where the metaphor starts getting mixed up. If winning/placing in the race means achieving the things you value in life, what does finishing last mean? What are you running for (or after)? If you overcome yourself, where does that get you?
I think the struggle for me is maintaining belief in something worth going on for. What’s the goal, if it’s not going to be the things that seem most meaningful but are out of reach. I’m trying to figure some stuff out in my mind and build around it, but it’s hard to hold on to.