The worst year

I’m an older adult, nearly 58 but have suffered from major depression and PTSD all my adult life.  Sadly, it has worsened with age.  I’ve been divorced for over 30 years and have no kids.  My only immediate family in my state is my frail 82 year old mother.  I have a few friends, but most of them live far away.   I was forced to take an early medical retirement due to my illness.  My pets are my primary companions and I’ve struggled a lot with increasing lonliness.  In June of this year things reached a breaking point when I took a full bottle of Xanax with some alcohol.   About 15 hours later I awoke to loud pounding on my front door.  Someone had called requesting a welfare check.  After being taken for medical clearance, I was shipped to an IP psych ward and got no help whatsoever.  It was one of the worst experiences of my life and only traumatized me further.   Being locked up there for five days only made things worse.  Then, to add insult to injury, I now have thousands in medical bills to pay that insurance didn’t cover.   So I would strongly suggest you not making an attempt.  I’m still suicidal every day but haven’t made any further attempts.  Medications don’t help much except for some sleep improvement.  I see a licensed counselor regularly, usually twice monthly.  In some ways, therapy has made things worse.  So in my opinion, when people say “help is available” it really isn’t unless you’re independently wealthy and can afford extended IP treatment.  At this point, it’s all I can do to make it through each day.  I get almost zero enjoyment out of anything and look forward to nothing.  My interest in doing anything is zero.  I force myself to attend church a couple of times per month and go to small community group.  I feel somewhat normal there.  Visits to my mother are about once weekly.   I used to have intense and frequent crying spells but those have stopped as I just vasilate between being numb and anxious.  It’s very hard for me to imagine things improving and I have nothing to look forward to on this planet.  My mother and pets are the main reason I haven’t made another attempt plus I lack a lethal means at this point.  Taking another overdose isn’t a desirable option for fear I’d fail again.  The psychiatrist at the hospital said my attempt was serious but I definitely don’t feel “lucky” to still be here.  The bottom line is that people need to know they will most likely not get better in an IP ward.  I’ve talked to many other individuals who have had experiences similar to mine in reaching this conclusion.