Was just thinking.
Someone told me I would fall in love with anyone that fell in love with me so I started thinking about it.
I blame most of my mental problems on my mother. Idk if that’s alright. I am obsessed with the way I look and I think about it everyday, everyday the reason why I do things isn’t because I want to better myself or anything, and usually the main reason I do things is because I want to receive compliments from people in the future because I just love it when people tell me nice things…
It’s so easy to vent to people online but in real life I think most people (apart from my psychologist and close friends) would just laugh at my problems if I told them. At least my mom would.
But that’s not fair to everyone. I think in general, women are a lot nicer online than in real life. Maybe it’s just because I don’t see their face? It’s so easy to say things when there’s no face there.
The way I love people.
The way I love people is, the moment I fall in love with them, I want to hurt them. I thought to myself, if I hurt someone bad enough, they would remember me forever. But I don’t apply this very well, often I just push people away when I start feeling a connection – I don’t want anyone to know who I am, it’s too scary.
But why is connection so scary anyway? Sometimes, when I meet a stranger and I’m alone, I become very sad and anxious. I want to cry just from meeting someone I don’t know, but I don’t want to push myself down for it. A lot of people call me slurs and often my friends use my name as a derogatory term for other people, but I just laugh at it, it’s normal to me and I’m not bothered by it. I don’t really want to be treated like that anymore.
I was going to sleep 5 hours ago, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I was going to go to church on NYD (it was a Sunday), but I didn’t go.
I don’t want to hurt myself again, I hope I will be okay
1 comment
The onset of mental problems might be because of others, but when we continue to have mental problems after realizing this, it is only because of ourselves. The moment we understand that we *Have* mental problems, it becomes our job to do something about it. And if we decide it isn’t our job, then we never get better. It’s not that you’re narcissistic–it’s that you’re living life inside of your head *more* than you’re living life in the actual world.
Remember the game, “The Sims”? It’s a video game where you have a virtual, second life. Imagine if you played that game, and all you ever did was make your character lay in bed on the phone all day. You’d never get anywhere in the game! You have to make your character work on things if you want to level-up.
Life is the game. Your body is your character, your mind is the controller. All you have to do is play.
You can do this. Best of luck