I’ve moved around a lot all my life. I would say that I’ve had about 7 childhood homes? I’ve lived in about 5 more houses, and I’m about to move again. Considering I’m only 16, it’s so much. A lot of people don’t have to constantly shift areas, they can just live in their childhood homes up until they leave school. Or maybe they’ll move once or twice. Sometimes I wonder how it would’ve been to have a stable place. It’s more of a passing thought though, it’s not my reality.
Centering this back in. At some point I started living with my mom and brother. I tried to get close to my brother, to, y’know, have that older sibling figure and family relationship? (Spoiler alert, it doesn’t work.) So I told him about what I went through and how I was dealing with depression. Yet, some months later, he turns to me and says something like, ‘You’re not suicidal anymore because youre living here with us instead of dad.’
Guess what? He’s wrong. Who would’ve guessed! I don’t understand how he assumes that just because I’ve left a place all my feeling stayed there too. I was cutting every couple of months at that time, and contemplating suicide. Even to the point of being in the bathroom with what I would kill myself with, or trying it out w/o actually harming myself. Even now, I still get there’s moments where the urge to just end it all is so strong.
I don’t get it. He told me he was depressed to once, told me his story. Yet he made fun of me, invalidated my feelings , dismissed them, and made them seem trivial. I’m stuck with him too for now. In all, I don’t get how someone who’s supposedly understands what I’ve gone through doesn’t get that depression doesn’t go away just because you move places. It really sucks because he should understand.
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Nope, I’ve found out that just bc someone else has had “depression” before doesn’t mean jack. 1- theirs may not be as severe and so they still don’t understand what it’s like. 2- hell, maybe some were legit suicidal before but when those ppl “get better” (not better as in cured but better as in better than where they were before), they suddenly become assholes and they’re the ones going “well I got better so you can too,” and “if you’re not better, then it’s your fault bc I did, so it’s on you.”
Like eternaldarkness said, unfortunately just because someone is/was depressed it doesn’t mean they’re more understanding of others. It’s a personality thing, either someone is empathetic to others or they are confined to their own self-centered perspective. You’d think suffering would teach people to see a wider scope but nah, it often forces people deeper into their my-way-or-the-highway thinking. I’m sorry your brother is that way.
Good point about depression following you. I’m on the opposite extreme, stuck in the same shithole, so I like to delude myself that a change of scenery would be a miracle cure. But I realize that’s just false hope because I need something to cling to. Maybe you can fool yourself with the opposite idea: growing roots and making 1 place your “home” can give you the stability you need to recover? (It’s all bs, but like I said we need some distant hope to cling to)
right? the ppl who have had depression and got better- they think EVERYONE’S depression is like theirs. theirs may be way less severe, and they have way less issues to deal with, but they can ONLY think from THEIR OWN perspective- like everyone’s depression is just like theirs, and they can’t or are unwilling to see or understand that other’s ppl depression may be far worse.
I’ve been depressed my whole damn life. And depression is on a gradient/scale, there’s mild depression, moderate, severe, and suicidal. if someone is on the mild end (as are most ppl) they think it’s so easy to get out of it and can’t put themselves into someone else’s shoes and acknowledge that other ppl are stuck way worse. or that abuse and trauma have fucked ppl up bad. but nope, ppl ONLY think from THEIR own perspective.
That’s the problem with American culture- it’s so very selfish. Always me and my and I. People don’t think about other ppl, and can’t put themselves in other ppls shoes.
It boggles the mind bc for me, I ALWAYS think about how other ppl are thinking and perceiving and feeling about things. Goddamnit, I wish I was LESS empathetic and more callous like everyone else. It makes living life so much more difficult.
damnit, i’ve been up all night -no sleep- and my writing coherently is suffering
“And depression is on a gradient/scale, there’s mild depression, moderate, severe, and suicidal.” I meant to add that there were times i was LESS depressed than others, and during those times it was easier to “get out of it” or do things and accomplish things despite being low or medium grade depressed.
But when you get into severed depressed or suicidal and have lost all hope, well good fucking luck “just getting over it” or “thinking positive.” Pretty much NOTHING gets one unstuck and out of it. Which is where I’m at. FML.
I wish people would be able to see other perspectives. It’s so weird to mean that some people would rather not try, too. It irks me when people act like it’s easy to ‘stop being depressed,’ because it’s not. When you’re less depressed, it does feel easier to do things, definitely. And when you lose all hope, things truly feel over. I’m at that point too.
Months late reply. Oops. I honestly cannot imagine being put or staying still in one place. It just seems unattainable. But not in the way of actually having a home, but more mentally. Things are always changing no matter what. I may stay in a place for a year or two, but on the outside, things change. But having that hope, something to cling on, if it makes it worth it to you, that’s good.
i think your brother meant you shouldn’t be depressed now that you’re living with better family instead of with your dad, and not bc of moving location/cities. that doesn’t take away your depression either but that’s what he meant.
yes, i believe that’s what he meant too, but it’s just such an ignorant statement lol. not saying that negatively at you