My life is all for nothing and doesn’t have any purpose

I hate and am ashamed of myself. I will never be able to be the perfect version of me that I expect myself to be. I dont even know why I always want to seem perfect and appear strong in front of people when inside I feel worthless and wish the worst to myself. It’s all an act, my life is like a super long and boring theater play staring a main actress that can’t even act properly.
I want to run away and hide from everyone. Live in a little farm or in the woods.. Next to a lake would be ideal. I don’t want to have to deal with people’s expectations anymore.
I’m tired of people, they don’t like me when I’m a burden and they hate me when I succeed. I just can’t please everyone.
Yet at same time, I keep on wishing to have someone that truly cares about me, someone that understands and appreciates me with nothing in return. Someone that doesn’t devalue me when things go bad in my life and that doesn’t try to sabotage me when they are okay. Just one person. Is that too much to ask for? I know I would, I would try my best to be that someone for someone, but the last time I tried I got left behind like trash once their life was going better
I wish I could live without being judged, I wish for a calm life, for a honest connection. As much as I try to appear strong and put on a facade in front of people so that they won’t see my as an easy prey.. I am not actually that strong, I hate to even have to admit it to myself, but if pushed enough I will break far beyond how I am right now, far beyond how much I can take. They would have won and I will give up.
I am just tired of fighting. I wish people were good. I wish I didn’t have so much trauma. I wish I wasn’t myself. I wish I wasn’t here.