I don’t know what or why…what do I want, why do I do? There’s an illusion of self assurance, I’m assertive, so far high achieving but lost. Studying at a world leading university but now I flounder. Not necessarily because what I do is pointless or hard -often it seems both- but because what do I want to do in life? Medical difficulties compound the work difficulties, a perpetuating cycle of mounting stress. A look at what I enjoy…the activities and hobbies seem so unimportant but they’re still more fulfilling than the hollowness of academia or a “cog job” where I don’t really matter. Consumption and experiences do elicit some joy but money and the expectations that I have built up and are carried by those I know limit this. It spirals from justifying a balance of hardship and enjoyment but the sapping nature of the reality of a life of work leads to the conclusion of stopping now. Why lament the loss of unrealised experiences when I can be unburdened from my struggles. I have had enjoyment but becoming an adult leads to responsibilities that I don’t want. What do I lose by quitting the game, from the perspective of the other characters (the only true reason for not quitting yet) it is a great loss. But from my perspective I don’t exist and from a distant perspective nothing matters. I’m afraid of when I lose those to whom I matter. As I don’t believe there is great meaning. One thing that does make everything seem more real is this spewing of verbose nonsense as until now, other than furious spontaneous thoughts that affect my mood until I’m in a depressive, anxious state, I have not gave an inkling to anyone of my difficulties barely even myself. To my family everything’s fine and I’m flying a role model of success and hard work to younger members, but what have I achieved? And to any in place mental health resources, university provided, medically reputed I don’t and can’t take it seriously as it is weakness that can be weaponised against me. There is a stigma nowhere more so than in my chaotic mind. I say I’m safe at the moment because of how I think those around me would feel but also how their opinion would be changed. But I realise I’m becoming increasingly apathetic, at some point I will initiate one of my plans in place as even now I could commit with a significant disturbance.