Death to me

when I was a child I got bullied a lot but now I became a evil dead beat can’t forget what happened to me cause unfortunately I’m the one who deserves to have no heart beat  my life has no meaning no pulse all I though I had was all false I tried to better my self but all I do is ruin my self no one loves me couse I’m just a dead beat so I wonder why god even wasted his time with me couse Im just a dead beat I deserve to be dead I lost lots of love ones that didn’t deserve to die not fair cause the fucked up one is me and should of been dead instead of them now I wonder why I’m I alive so I live this fucked up life wondering why am I still alive cause I deserve to die so if ur hearing me god I’m begging please please take my life