things have been going pretty okay, but i cant shake this feeling..
i want to drink till i puke on myself, i want to overdose on pills and watch the world around me morph and melt. i want to starve myself till i can finally feel my hip bones again. i want to stab myself in the gut take a look at my fat meat and my insides. i want someone to find me in this state and hold me close while i’m dying and tell me that they love me, they always have, and that the hospital will fix me. i want to be cared for, i want to be loved, i want to destroy myself
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Here’s a crazy thought… but it actually sounds like you want to feel alive…. and maybe your experience of that has been more about feeling pain than anything positive. I’m sure many here relate. But what does that tell you…?
“…pain is a reminder you’re still alive.”
it’s more about yearning for some sort of touch.. a feeling of being cared for. i feel pretty neglected, and i just think that doing something like destroying myself would make people care about me again. attention seeking, isn’t it?
unfortunately, you attempting suicide and SH pushes ppl further away rather than “making ppl care about you again.” they will see it either as a form of manipulation, seeking attention, or if they believe the person is genuinely suicidal, they will still pull away. you might get ppl to come to you in the short immediate term, like a firefighter coming to put out a house fire, but they will resent having to rescue you and put out that fire.
Attention seeking yes , but totally relatable and not uncommon. Of course you want to feel cared for, that’s a basic human need, but the sad thing is, humans often need a dramatic action to show care…
I will say though, that self harm is a terrible way to achieve human connection. Usually it backfires and ends up driving people away, either because they don’t know how to handle it, or because they think they might enable those bad behaviours . It’s one of thing things I’ve been working on… getting better at asking people for help instead of trying to emotionally blackmail them into caring for me through some means of self harm. With variable success…
those dramatic actions are just scenarios in my head, but they are intriguing to think about when i’m in a bad mood.. i almost never talk about my self harm unless it’s after i’m done sometimes, but i still quite dislike talking about it to my friends because it feels.. weird? talking to strangers about it is fine, but friends? maybe because it leans too much on the personal side and i don’t want to really bother them..
i wish you luck on getting better on asking people for help, it’s hard, but good friends will stick around because they do care about you, without needing the whole emotionally blackmailing part.
I’d give the Whole World away just to have You know
that You need not be hurt a single moment for any of it to happen
& that all what You think is missing
is actually there sis..
it’s just standing at a distance for now..
looking tenderly on to You from afar..
just for now
???
I’m here Always
P.S.
“???” were heart heart heart
: )