i feel like i’m running out of choices, one by one they’re slipping away. when i’ve found myself to be trapped previously, as if i have no choices, i usually always find a way out of my situation. i feel cornered again. i think life was always narrowing down on me, though.
with this, i have to find a new way out. suicide is always at the back of my mind. i genuinely feel like committing suicide is my only option. it’s not that i don’t value life itself, or don’t have appreciation for it, it’s beautiful. but my life is valueless. worthless. it’s already evident that i won’t be able to function properly in society. what good am i if i can’t even do that? i don’t have a social life, i don’t have a stable home, and i feel like i’m losing control.
my brother makes sure i know just how much of a burden i am to him. how much of a burden i am even being here with him. he must hate me. he certainly doesn’t care about me, that’s for sure. i couldn’t stay with my mom because she’s a person who will always choose a man over her children. over me. all i ever asked from them was to get me a therapist, that’s all i ever genuinely wanted. i thought maybe i would have the chance to get my life on track with one, to be able to live normally.
no, i’m left here to drown. i asked for help. no one will help me. the only option i have is to end my fucking life. i don’t want to have to live in misery. and apparently if i die it’ll benefit everyone. so hey, it’s a win-win i guess. my brother has one less burden and my mother has one less child to care about. my sister won’t have to worry about working her ass off to get an apartment for us to live in and my other brother never contacts me anyways.
it’s best. those 3, they were born in range of each other. i was born 4-7 years apart from them. i’m the obvious mistake in this family. i shouldn’t be alive. it would’ve been perfect too. 2 boys and 1 girl. they’re all grown up now so my mom doesn’t have to worry about babysitting them. it’s perfect. then i suddenly came into the equation. my mom liked to call me a miracle baby, but i’m obviously anything but. would she abandon her child if i was so much of a miracle as she claimed?
i’m so bitter. so lost. life is slipping out of my grasp and there’s nothing i can do. i tried to do something about it. but i’m trapped and the only option is suicide. it’s scary that i don’t know what happens after death, it’s something I realized i have to accept if i actually want to die, but i truly hope for nothingness. so that dying will have been worth it.
life has many beauties to it. like the sunrise or sunset. listening to my favorite music. how it feels to collect my favorite things. when i finally finish a story i worked so hard on. the fulfillment i get from singing. or the simpleness of someone understanding me. life can be so beautiful and pretty. it’s worth it for that reason. i wanted to figure out and learn myself. to grow up. but i have no choice. my death feels long overdo. i hope for it. i crave it. i want it.
i hope i eventually muster up myself to just do it.
4 comments
hmmm, as my prior mentor would constantly remind me; there’s always a choice.
Even the choice between something bad and something awful, is still a choice. Your family doesn’t sound like they’re helping, but you rely on them financially is my understanding? But what happens if you cut ties? Go it alone. Yes, perhaps homelessness, but even that might be preferable to where you are.
I know I romanticize it, homelessness, compared with many of the struggles in my life and others…. but it’s full of solveable problems. You’d be amazed how far you can get with a hot plate and a bicycle, and neither are particularly expensive.
I also like singing, and writing. On the singing front I don’t think I’m particularly good, it’s just something I do. Writing….. well it’s a longer story. But I agree, there are some wonderful and beautiful things in this world, if you can get past the ugliness
The choice for me is suicide. This is my version of ‘there is always a choice.’ It makes the most sense, it’s the most logical. I don’t see it as bad or good. Do you see it that way? Committing suicide? If anything, it’s probably just sad.
I’m a minor still, therefore I do rely on them. I could run away and be homeless, but I don’t want that. What’s the point? I want to be able to have a place to call home, where I can actually have things and decorate it up. While not the best environment, I do have something akin to that.
Everything here is a luxury, as well. Having my own room is a luxury, being able to not starve is a luxury, being able to take a hot shower in the comfort of my own bathroom is a luxury, being able to collect the things I love is a luxury, being able to watch the sun rise or fall from my window is a luxury, having protection from the outside world is a luxury.
I didn’t always have those things stably before. Therefore, I don’t see any value in being homeless, for me personally, as it would probably negatively affect my life. I did dream of running away and saying fuck everything. But leaving doesn’t erase depression.
I do dream of cutting dies with the first brother mentioned and my mom, though. Once I can get out of here I think it’s in my best interest that I never see them again. There’s always that what if, though. What if I cut ties and I do need them? At the same time, I think that’s just a selfish thought stemmed from the idea of the need to survive. If I cut them off, I have to do it fully. Then I wonder if they would try to come back into my life. My other siblings only lasted about two years before they begun talking to my mom again. What if she tries to come back? All rhetorical.
I’ve always wanted to get another bicycle since I had to leave my last one behind. Even having that is a luxury. It costs $100 or more. Definitely not cheap for me.
That’s cool you like singing and writing. Do you have any favorite songs you sing? I don’t think life itself is ugly. But everything around it that attaches itself into life is what corrupts it into ugliness. Inherently, I believe, life is not ugly.
well, I’ve worked in child welfare, you’d be surprised how many minors make that choice, not that I recommend it. It’s about how it’s done, cutting ties. With some people to help, because almost no one can go it completely alone, it’s possible. A close friend of mine cut out his abusive parents almost 10 years ago, so I’d say it’s going to stick.
I didn’t have the context of “minor”, so I based my concept of cheap compared to rent… rent sucks, it’s the worst part of adult life….. anyway everybody has their shackle, that which ties them to their unpleasant situation. Well, everybody with an unpleasant situation. I assume somewhere out there are people who are sufficiently satisfied they don’t long for escape. I’ve never met such a mythic creature, but that doesn’t prove anything.
Heh, the songs I like to sing mostly have to do with range. I’m a baritone/bass more in range these days, and there aren’t a large amount of singers who sing in that range at least in contemporary pop music. I really like “Bad Karma” by Warren Zevon lately…. anything by him is good, pretty catchy with themes I relate to.
I bury myself in non English songs more often than not these days. Wo Ist Der Kaiser? by EAV is my favorite of the whole bunch, at least partially because I’ve nearly memorized it/got it perfectly translated in my head. It translates to “Where is the Emperor” and is about old people being out of touch with what’s trendy (among other things)
That and I’m a history nerd, and it’s one of the few modern songs that talks about things to do with the Holy Roman Empire, which of course hasn’t existed for 200 years now. Oh and the band’s name in German ; erste allgemeine verunsicherung translates to “first general confusion”, so there’s layers of humor there
My favorite line to sing;
So wie früher wird’s nie mehr,
verstummt sind alle Schrammeln!
Heut‘ regiert der Nasenbär,
dies‘ Land, es muß vergammeln.
which translates to;
It will never be like it used to be,
all scratches are gone!
Today the coati rules,
this country, it must rot.
except coati is apparently expressed as the word Nasenbär, which literally means Nose-Bear….. idk if it’s funny to people without experience with the weird words that only German has.
I think I retreat into German because no one has ever been unkind to me in German, all my experience in it has been with kind teachers, musical artists, and a few family members who are universally pleasant. Or at least they’re universally pleasant when speaking German.
That’s nice your friend was able to cut off his abusive parents. I think if I actually tried though, I could cut them off too. Just not right now.
Yeah, rent does suck. It must be nice to be one of those mythic creatures lol.
What you listen to is really interesting. I’ll have to check it out sometime! I mostly listen to non-english music nowadays too.