Over the years I have gone from being optimistic and joyful, to completely dead inside. The few friends I had are now gone, and the failures in my life continue to increase in number as I get older. I constantly feel sharp chest pain from my depression, and I am unable to let out how I feel, unable to cry and unable to strongly feel anything emotionally anymore. My depression gets worse everyday as I have found everything in life to be no fun anymore resulting in myself staying in my bed all day whenever I get the chance. I can’t tell anyone how I really feel because I know how they would react, and I’d prefer not going to a mental hospital so I am forced to recede further and further into darkness, scorn, and depression. I don’t even find food enjoyable anymore and do not feel hungry like I use to so I starve and get off on physical pain because I lack mental feelings. I made a mock attempt a year ago to kill myself with medication to get myself adjusted in preparation for a real suicide attempt, but I find myself still too afraid to die when I put a gun to my head, or enter any other kind of dangerous situation, and most of the time I am still too hopeful that something good may happen despite knowing that nothing good will happen. I have Autism, Pure OCD, and ADHD, and all of these disorders have made it very hard for me academically, and has made keeping a job, and fitting in with society impossible. I have considered the idea of a suicide pact with a partner so that somebody else would be killing me since I cannot do it for myself, but I am unable to even make friends alone, so I am forced to stay here. Worst of all, I knew people that were depressed and that killed themselves, and I just feel like an even bigger failure for not being brave enough to copy them. I have become spiteful towards everyone around me that appears to be happy, and my deep anger and jealousy grows every time I am around other humans so I just stay away from them, thus further isolating myself. I don’t know how to escape this. I feel hopeless.
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Sounds pretty bleak, sorry to hear about it, but thank you for sharing. You’ve taken a few good runs at death and come up dry, so perhaps it’s time to take a decent run on trying to make living work.
Now based on your current condition, you might be at the point of disability. That doesn’t mean you have to suffer, just that validation won’t be coming from an employer (though even if you could work, validation from an employer is few and far between as is, I don’t advise resting your life on career success, for anyone.)
I’ve been in the same boat lately, I have a tight zone of competence, and lately it appears that particular part of the job market has been automated away. It helps to try and find people who are similar, see how they’re dealing with it. Two of my friends are like that. They’re brothers as it so happens, that probably helps, but they’re looking after their aging parents, and now their sister has moved in and their helping take care of her kid.
For me, I have my wife, garden and dogs to look after. Making sure everyone eats takes up most of my day, and gives me reasonable purpose. Apart from that, I try to find things to engage with. Right now I’ve got a few games that are managing to seriously distract me from… well… my life.
But the big thing is figuring out how to live with your symptoms, which is something I don’t know as much about. It’s taken me years with mine… crash… suicidality, try again, and again, eventually got some help.
the other thing, I guess, is to take a more serious run at death. I have no idea how to do that, you’ve gotten further than I have.
but if your current situation sucks, then the best thing to do is to find a way to change the parts that suck. Sad but true, most of the time finding a way to survive your lifespan is less work than dying.