Over the years I have gone from being optimistic and joyful, to completely dead inside. The few friends I had are now gone, and the failures in my life continue to increase in number as I get older. I constantly feel sharp chest pain from my depression, and I am unable to let out how I feel, unable to cry and unable to strongly feel anything emotionally anymore. My depression gets worse everyday as I have found everything in life to be no fun anymore resulting in myself staying in my bed all day whenever I get the chance. I can’t tell anyone how I really feel because I know how they would react, and I’d prefer not going to a mental hospital so I am forced to recede further and further into darkness, scorn, and depression. I don’t even find food enjoyable anymore and do not feel hungry like I use to so I starve and get off on physical pain because I lack mental feelings. I made a mock attempt a year ago to kill myself with medication to get myself adjusted in preparation for a real suicide attempt, but I find myself still too afraid to die when I put a gun to my head, or enter any other kind of dangerous situation, and most of the time I am still too hopeful that something good may happen despite knowing that nothing good will happen. I have Autism, Pure OCD, and ADHD, and all of these disorders have made it very hard for me academically, and has made keeping a job, and fitting in with society impossible. I have considered the idea of a suicide pact with a partner so that somebody else would be killing me since I cannot do it for myself, but I am unable to even make friends alone, so I am forced to stay here. Worst of all, I knew people that were depressed and that killed themselves, and I just feel like an even bigger failure for not being brave enough to copy them. I have become spiteful towards everyone around me that appears to be happy, and my deep anger and jealousy grows every time I am around other humans so I just stay away from them, thus further isolating myself. I don’t know how to escape this. I feel hopeless.