Perhaps self deceit was the very thing necessary for my survival for a season. Focusing on anything but the real issue distracted me, protecting me from experiencing the trauma I suffered and caused. Despite some truly wonderful people I met here, for me SP was not a safe place to share the deep hurts. It was not a place of healing. But that’s not why most people come here, is it? I came here to find the best way to die. Then I came here to commiserate. Then I came because of the wonderful, beautiful messed up people here. We managed to laugh despite of and because of our pain. That was a true gift.
SP was my daily oasis, a respite from self. But, because I was disingenuous to myself, I was disingenuous to you also. My apologies to all I hurt along the way, some because of my being reactionary, others because I misread circumstances, intentions, and feelings, and one or two because I was an abject jerk. EQ was never my strong suit.
As with you, although I did not wish it to, life marched on without the slightest regard for my perceived needs. I am glad of it now.
No meds. No counseling. No holding my life ransom to try to force the world bend to my conditions. (“I won’t kill myself if only. . . .” “I can only live if. . . .”) No more lying to myself. No letting myself off the hook with lame justifications or blaming others. No hiding from myself my own ugliness and shameful actions.
When all the layers were peeled away, I found the core of my being and embraced the best parts while holding myself accountable for my thoughts, actions and reactions. Because of this, I learned to forgive others and let go of the pain. I make a positive difference in other peoples’ lives when I can.
Life is still messy and difficult and uncertain. It still ignores the terms I felt I needed to continue. Had I been open to counseling it might not have taken me decades, but even a slow learner such as myself can get better. And I am truly glad to be alive. Some day I believe you can be truly glad too, even if you give every reason not to be, you can. I wish you light and strength for your journey.
1 comment
thank you for offering something truly new to the space. I had to reread it to be certain it was new, because my initial intuition is to doubt my senses… to doubt what I read… and with all I have, I hope it’ll stick, for your sake.
but, and forgive me for questioning, I haven’t found any essential new approach or new strategy in what you are doing. And maybe it’s so personal it can’t be shared…. or perhaps my understanding is at fault. I’ve felt the feeling you are describing, feeling in touch with self, and the exquisite feeling of being worthwhile…. but it still hasn’t managed to stand up to the bleakness, to the loneliness, and to the fundamental emptyness I observe.
I can’t become complete and thus rise above, because the systems I live within have no place for me. Years and years, I thought I was the problem….. understandably, that is what society tends to blame, it must be an individual failure…. but optimism fades, and hopes have a tendency to be dashed on the rocks of iniquity.
I can’t get there by submitting, of that I am sure. I’ve tried changing myself, approaching differently, trying new angles…… and what I interface with itself is diseased, and it isn’t my job to cure it.
So, I am at a standstill, baffled by the absurdity of life. It is beautiful, as is most suffering, because enduring such things requires character….. it is also terrible, as is most of humanity. I alternate between terror and horror, terror at the suffering yet to come, horror at the suffering already evident.
but again, thank you. New perspectives help throw my silly world into sharp relief…. perhaps I will find what you have found, but prepare yourself, because joy and satisfaction are fleeting and rare. Savor them while they appear, no one knows what comes next.