I’m new to this forum, so I don’t know how taboo this topic is. But my situation is as the title says — I’m in serious danger of going through with it because of the shame and pain I feel over never having been in a relationship or having sex. I’m at the point where I’m preparing a suicide note. My whole life, I’ve (probably?) dealt with depression in one form or another. I’ve been depressed over doing poorly in school, being bullied, not having friends — the list goes on. But, all those problems ended up being solveable.
Not this one, though. I have lost hope that I’m ever going to experience any kind of sexual relationship, and it’s painful in so many ways. It’s humiliating to see everyone else in my life have this when I don’t, and to have to rake through myself asking why I’m so unattractive and why it’s so unacceptable for me in particular to have feelings for girls. It’s like I’m stuck in the closet, but I can’t ever actually come out, because I’m straight. It’s also so, so shameful to be so hurt by something so stupid and illegitimate as a reason to be suicidal. But that also might be the most sinister thing about it.
I think there’s hardly anyone our culture reviles more than men who are depressed because they can’t find relationships. People take male loneliness more seriously these days, but the respectability of it ends at lacking friendships. If you’re hurting because you’re a virgin, then you’re an incel, the most disgusting creature on the planet.
People way that sex isn’t a big deal, and that it won’t change who you are. I think their own stories disprove this. People are always like, “once I finally lost my virginity, I realized it wasn’t such a big issue after all”. But that’s the entire point — once it finally happens, that’s when you become capable of recognizing that it’s not something that defines life. It won’t make you suddenly become more confident or charismatic, but it can take away the shame. And even that effect sounds orders of magnitude less transformative than what having a good, loving first relationship must be like.
If somehow I ever could have one of those experiences, I wouldn’t expect it to solve all my problems. But I believe wholeheartedly it’s necessary to solve my problems. It’s like, all my life I’ve been crushed under the weight of all these burdens. Virginity/relationship virginity hasn’t always been the heaviest, but it’s the only one that I can’t overcome. Sure, there’s other unrelated things about my life I’d also like changed, but while I’m still burdened by this, I’ll never be free. At this point, I’m not really interested in a life crushed by this burden, even if I were to break the other ones.
Anything else I might feel depressed about (not that I’ve ever received a formal diagnosis or treatment for depression, I’m using it colloquially there), I could talk to people about. I’m blessed and also cursed with at least a few friends/family that genuinely care about me. But not this. I could not stand becoming an incel in there or the world’s eyes, so I can’t talk about it. I’d rather die while I still have some dignity. Worse, I realize that harboring these feelings makes you less attractive to girls, so it’s a catch-22. In the end, it seems I’m destined to end my life and hurt these people who care about me over something I can’t tell them about.
I’m not really sure what the point of this post is. Maybe it’s a sort of suicide letter? I still have more writing to do on my actual letter, so I have at least a little more time to live. But, yeah — I so, so hate that everything in my life is going to come down to this. But even as young as I am, I’ve lost hope that it can ever be resolved. Maybe I’m just ugly and my friends lie to me about it. Maybe there’s something fundamentally unattractive about my personality. Maybe it’s a lack of flirting skills or whatever I seem to be incapable of developing. Maybe it’s the depression leaking off of me. I will never know for sure. What I do know is that there’s something horribly wrong with me that has put me in this situation, and literally the only thing I can do to end the pain would be to end my life. If you got this far, thank you for reading, and I’d love to hear your thoughts — I guess I’m still searching for an answer I don’t really believe is out there, but who knows
7 comments
First off, as long as you are not pushing your beliefs or harassing anyone, any topic is fine to talk about. There are tons of posts here about drug addiction and domestic abuse, so your thing is completely fine to talk about.
As far as your problem, I think it’s not as bad or hopeless as you make it out to be. I get the impression from your post that you are very young. Take it from a guy who’s two months away from turning 25 and hasn’t even kissed a girl, let alone had sex, it’s not too bad. For me personally, I’ve grown accustomed to being on my own. For the moment, it works for me. I understand that this might not be something you want however. For that, there’s only one solution. You have to put yourself out there. There’s no way around it. You just have to. Nothing can happen until you swing the bat. You are going to screw up and be embarrassed. But you just have to keep trying and move forward. Also let’s start small. Don’t go in expecting to loose your virginity. Just try to connect with someone first. Then see where it goes.
Welcome to SP. I hope you manage to get better.
It’s understandable to feel shame and pain over that. People who don’t understand that… just don’t understand. Nothing is that big a deal unless you’re deprived of it. Then whatever it is grows to take up a disproportionate amount of space in your mind. Sex is important. It’s what our biological survival, our relationships, and increasingly our culture revolve around. If you feel completely excluded from that, it makes sense that you’d feel depressed.
As to answers, it depends what you’ve already tried. Rationally speaking, there’s always things you can do to improve your attractiveness to some extent. But if on some level you’ve already decided it’s hopeless, the weight of that despair will make anything you try so much harder. As much as you can, I’d advocate ignoring whatever worries you’ve developed around your perception of self-worth compared to others, and instead focus on building upon the aspects of yourself you feel are most attractive. I think that’s probably where confidence comes from.
I’d like to point out that the whole “incel” thing was started by a spoiled rich kid that ended up becoming a mass shooter. It originated from a toxic person, and has stayed toxic to society ever since.
I get it, though. I can’t remember how times I’ve come on SP and complained that I’m not having enough sex. I’m a bit sick as far as sex goes, though (some of you know what I’m talking about).
The advent of the internet has made porn 1000 times more accessible than it used to be. For me at least, using it every so often over the years built up a certain “tolerance”. The normal shit wouldn’t do the same job it used to. And so now, I have strange fetishes that I won’t elaborate on. Using porn will get in the way of having actual sex.
I 2nd the previous advice though–the only way to move forward on this front is to put yourself out there. Maybe fire up some of those dating apps.
I’d look at things as if you were a hunter, or a fisherman. What sort of things attract women? Confidence, financial stability, responsibility, independence, muscles, emotional availability, a guy who’s working on goals and can be himself. Those things are your “lures”, and the more you work on yourself, the better your chances will be.
Of course, you could always buy a hooked, but that’s like doing a rain dance on a slippery slope. Not a recommended option, but it’s there.
Work on the aspects of you that would attract a woman, and at the same time, put yourself out there and risk it.
As a female here, I can tell you that the best approach is the nice guy approach. It’s a slow method, like the hare and tortoise- if you want to find a quality gf you want to go out LT with. Unless you just want sex and in that case, the asshole approach works best but that would be doing the women wrong.
I know ALL the advice out there, on social media, books, how-to articles, etc the past 2+ decades- written by men for men- ALL push the narrative that girls go for the bad guys, and to act like assholes. I’m here to tell you that’s not true. Girls that wind up with bad guys are usually duped- those guys pretend they’re nice but only to find out they’re not after the guy reels the girl in. Seen it happen to many of my female friends.
Anyhow, the advice from the guys above about bettering yourself to make yourself more attractive to females is the way to go. What women look for is
1- a guy who can financially take care of her (we’re not talking being super rich here and talking about gold digging girls- women are biologically wired to look for guys with stable jobs/stable finances
2- a guy who will be emotionally there for her- like someone she can just talk, cry, complain to. someone who will listen to her and validate her feelings. sense of humour and stuff like that go into this category.
3- a guy who treats her like she’s #1 to him. she has to feel like she’s the most important person to you, especially since most women are looking at the long game- ie marriage. maybe less so in the zennial generation but LT relationships are a girls’ #1 priority.
4- looks aren’t half as important to women as they are to men, although getting more fit is a plus (we’re not talking about getting the perfect body here, just someone who looks fit enough).
Honestly, what most women want are men who can take care of her and be there for her, physically, emotionally, etc. Someone who makes her feel valued and all that.
Also, learning useful skills is a definite plus- a man who knows how to fix stuff is sexy. 😉 It could be fixing electronics, a car, or household appliances.
Yes, as you’ve written, the whole incel attitude is very off-putting to women. These men that are angry and bitter and hateful to women make women not want to be anywhere near them. Same goes for women. I know some women who went around thinking “all men are dogs” and “all men want is sex,” etc – they don’t find a guy with that attitude, bc things like that are picked up very quickly by ppl.