New year ¿same? ¿me?

We’re seven days into this new year, it would be erroneous of me to say that i haven’t been surrounded with love (happiness?). It feels good—it really does, but i can’t help feeling the way i do and i wish i could.

It always seems like i have so much to say, then i come here open a draft and despite having wished for it a few minutes before when i so desperately wanted for my head to go quiet and it didn’t, ironically now that i need it the most, my mind is completely silent.

I want to come here and let my words flow, write about what im going through, what im thinking about, but i simply can’t find the words.

It’s a vicious circle. I close my browser thinking that I’ve found some peace and quiet but i go right back to listening to that little voice that never seems to want to shut up. I think its my personal hell—and if it is, i cannot imagine what “hell” really is like.

I like to believe that it exists but at the same time does it? And if it does, would it be exactly how we’ve been taught it would be?

I’m not religious, neither am i an atheist. I guess i just believe in everything and nothing at the same time. You could say im very spiritual but i don’t really practice anything.

If you’ve read until here, you’re probably wondering where am i going with all of this and truthfully, nowhere, im just writing and you’re simply reading. I do believe that’s how I’ve been living my life. Day after day, doing what im supposed to do, just enough so no one get’s suspicious, but slightly insufficient in a way that still makes them wonder about me—but they never ask the right questions, or do they? I don’t know, either way I’ve never answered them truthfully. I wouldn’t say i lie, but i don’t tell the truth.

I guess i just like keeping to myself but at the same time i HATE it, i want to be seen so badly but why am i so scared of being perceived?