Selfish

I feel selfish because I hate myself so much but I want others to love me but then when they do I feel disappointed or disgusted (or some thing that I can’t discribe) in them because how could they love something that to me is so disgusting, unloveable and cruel. I am rude to the people closest to me even when I try not to be, I know I’m a bad person to them and honestly there isn’t really any good quality’s about me I’m not that smart or interesting I’m not funny or nice or pretty or outgoing. I’m awkward, angry, tired, anxious and overall just a miserable person. I’ve tried to figure out where I went wrong in my life that made me this way but I can’t. I blame it on my trauma and my past but ultimately I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I believe that loving me is a cruel punishment and having to be in my life causes people so much pain and stress and misery but it’s the way I’ve always been and I’ve tried to change and I have a little but not enough and each time I did people showed me why I stayed the way I am for so long, I’m damaged goods and trying to love me is a waste of time and energy.