I only get on here when things get really bad and surprise things are really bad again. I feel safe on here hiding behind a screen. Strangers telling me it’s going to be alright but I know it’s not. 23 feels so young but i feel like I’ve lived a lifetime and a half.
Today i was driving to work and though one small turn of the wheel and I wouldn’t feel pain anymore. But I can’t leave my cats. That’s stupid isn’t it? Staying alive for cats. My therapist says anything that keeps you alive isn’t stupid but i beg to differ.
Being in this relationship for 6 years has taught me a lot. Don’t put in all your efforts to one person. If you know they don’t love you don’t force them to. I thought moving out would help. He told me to leave and i did. I was ready to say our goodbyes but he begged me to keep trying. It was the same type of begging i was doing when i told him to stop sneaking around with his coworker, to stop texting his ex, to tell me that he loved me, to sleep with me, to want me. So i did it. I held on hoping that it would fix things, fix us. It didn’t. Now here i am sitting in this lonely house feeling haunted by his picture i have on my nightstand. The screensaver on my phone of us. I think it’s kind of funny because we never even took pictures together. I almost always had to beg him.
The hurt was so strong. It was such a pain i wanted it destroy everything in this house and set it a blaze with me inside. I knew I couldn’t do that so I settled for a blade. Embarrassing? Yes. It’s like I’m in high school again breaking apart my pencil sharpeners but that’s all I had on hand. Even more embarrassingly is that when I finally got the blade out at three in the morning i was too tired to even cut.
You could say my life is a joke. Through this post it doesn’t seem that bad reading it back but i know this time it is.
see y’all tomorrow or maybe in a month or maybe not again? I haven’t figured it out yet.
2 comments
If venting like this helps, feel free.
I tend to vent here myself, no shame in that.
Everyone matters…nothing is ‘trivial’ or unimportant, including your feelings.
As an outsider, it sounds like a losing battle…it seems your bf/spouse wants to cheat.
You could opt for an open relationship as many people are doing now…some stay together for financial reasons but also see others.
Ofc if you’re into monogamy and he isn’t…then in the long run this might just bring your more suffering.
It’s your call, whether to stay or go…I’d suggest a clean break if possible find a better man.
One thing I can be fairly sure is that there is a large pool of people out there one can have relationships with…but if you value quality over quantity, a soulmate over many partners, then that’ll be more difficult to find.
I hope you have made arrangements for your cats in case something happens.
I personally wouldn’t condone risky ways to ‘end it’….you could just wind up in a hospital far worse off than you are now.
Anything you do in life, think it through deeply and have a back up plan in case things go wrong.