I’m starting to think I screwed myself in the long term back then.
Had someone who loved and cared for me deeply, that I broke it off with because they’re so far away (LDR) and I didn’t want them to be stuck with me as their only option. They’re happier now, with someone else. We still talk, but not nearly as much as before, which really sucks. I care for them deeply, and that won’t change, but I’ve noticed the change since then. We have a deep connection, even now, but I know she’s happy with this other person anyway so I’ll be a good friend to her as well.
I’m not stupid, I don’t expect things to be like back then, but I figured we’d still talk somewhat frequently like before. Nope. I’m not mad or anything, just find it funny because I don’t know if I can even figure it out with someone else like I did with her for a while.
I met someone when I went home recently during a family thing. She’s nice, but way older than me (like cougar territory). I’m very much being extremely casual in this regard, and we just talk a lot about normal stuff. I can’t say I see this going where I thought it would, and I made my intentions clear from the jump, but I already can tell it won’t be anything crazy, although I’m starting to wonder what she really wants from me at this point. I think I’m just trying to boost my confidence when it comes to women in general.
I’ll be nice of course. I’d like to keep this person on friendly terms at the very least, so I may back out a little bit. We have silly pet names, and rarely flirt, but I don’t think I’d be getting any anyway… idk why I thought maybe I could.
I’m starting to think I really don’t feel compatible with much of anyone at this point. I’m still… inexperienced, which doesn’t help all that much. Genuine attention from any girl seems to help me feel some level of confidence, so idk.
Maybe I need to look outside the US for a partner anyway, who knows. I don’t like what dating in the US has become anyway. Granted I’m very insular and introverted as is, so it’s not like I can just put myself out there. I’ve tried, friends have tried, I’m not interested in the dating apps and all that crap.
I’ve heard too many stories from friends and others, seen too many unappealing people personality wise.
Not sure what I can even do now.
I’m not that old at this point, but my youth is almost behind me. I believe 5 years younger to 5 years older is my absolute limit (I see no reason to really bother with anything way above or below that range).
I don’t even understand the pressure to have sex so early in life as well. I never liked people bragging about how many men or women they’ve slept with anyway. Never understood people that have more than 3 kids, that aren’t with I’d say 2 or less people (I’m talking modern day, parents/grandparents generations were a lot different).
Not like I’d really be all that desirable in the grand scheme of things. Maybe that’s why I’m so jaded lately.
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You get points in my book. Most people are too petty or immature to break off a LDR if they think it’s not beneficial for the other person. You said she seems happy now, so that’s pretty good.
I understand the fear of having screwed up a long time ago. Got zero experience myself. For the longest time I tried being with someone who wasn’t interested and already far away, emotionally and physically. Haven’t really tried in any regard since her. Been years since I started my foolish endeavor and years since I stopped.
Hope you manage to find someone. People manage to spring up in the strangest places. Hope you can talk to your friend more too.
Get a dog, particularly a herding breed, that seems to work.
It’s the counter intuitive thing, but giving up works; So my first marriage went bust, I was an immature asshole, she was a cheating harpy. I went to the support groups and found out that most people fresh out of a divorce bounce back into a second marriage that then fails….. and I didn’t want THAT.
So I just had a lot of sex. It didn’t hurt that I had a car and a house, two useful assets. I wasn’t particularly choosy either. I met a woman I’m still friends with, and who I still care about, but it will never work with. I spent about two or three years being a poor man’s Charlie Sheen, because I never really partied in my teen years.
At the end of it my stomach and genitals couldn’t take it anymore. This was self abuse on a scale I will never manage again. I met an older woman who I really wanted to make it work with, and I completely screwed it up because I wasn’t emotionally equipped to have that relationship.
After that, I was content to have companionship, so that’s what I looked for. I gave up on romance and sex. Which is when I met my wife, and a few other women started courting me. It was the most attractive I remember being in my life. Being un-needy is attractive to the type of women that I find attractive.
Eleven years later, we’re still together, and we’ll probably be together until one of us dies. It was just so accidental, I didn’t plan this, it was something that happened to me and I decided to see where it went.
If this is something you want, put in the work, then after doing that for a few years, retreat and let that work stand alone. It’s also okay if it isn’t something you want, you can live a full life without it.
Healthy relationships are work, but they have to be equal work from both sides. If you find yourself doing it all, that’s not a healthy relationship.
this is good advice. i hope to meet someone in a similar way
From my experience I would say that it is only when a man sees the unlikeable side of women. The ruthlessness , as ruthless as Hitler and bin laden ,good hit on bin laden, the selfishness , the poison, there’s a poison in women not to be found in men and finally the inferiority, women are a slightly inferior creature to Men. It is only when a man has experienced those factors of an unlikeable nature that then does he become good with women
I agree to an extent…I guess it depends on the girl too. I can’t really put up with anyone toxic…nobody’s perfect, and the key is to find someone you can compromise with. Someone who is inflexible is probably not worth being around.
Those are two men
I had an LDR as well and it was hard to keep going…neither of us really wanted to give up our lives and switch cities so eventually we just called it off, it was rough.
I decided after that to try to stick to meeting girls in my city only. At least there are plenty of other opportunities out there.
Girls/women in various stages of their lives and I’m sure many of them end up unhappy or with the wrong person, which is why they cheat, whether married or not.
So for us single guys, it does give us some good chances, but the more you want, the more you need to bring to the table…if you don’t have high standards and an average girl will do, then there are endless options.
Ofc I think most guys are like me and want to get the best they can with what we have…and ofc those desirable girls are themselves going for an alpha male who has everything they want.
In a way that helps if you’re a ‘nice guy’ who’s looking for something serious…once they try their luck with the ‘Chads’ they realize he’s not looking to settle down so they look for another man who’s more serious.
It’s hard to meet girls esp. if you’re just doing the “cold intro”, IRL…usually doesn’t work but once in a while a girl will give you a shot. I guess I still have the kid in a candy store mentality…once I get a girl it’s hard to stick to her if I see something as good or better.
But ya if I was in your position, I’d drop that LTR, it’s a ded-end. Only way it could work is if she decides she wants to marry you or something and is willing to move to your town…otherwise I’d suggest to keep searching.
I’m focusing on my thing and hopefully it’ll give me the free time I need to get in shape and then start playing the field and maybe find a great catch. I’m not in my 20s any more so I’m going to treat my leads with more value I did in the past…maybe date 5-10 girls and find one to settle down with given my age. If I was in my 30s/40s, I’d take more time.
Yeah, this is obviously coming from someone who doesn’t really like relationships at least for the sake of having them only (in this previous post for example: https://suicideproject.org/2024/10/sometimes-i-feel-like-its-just-me-is-it/), but agreeing with J Doe I really think that you did a good thing there even if it wasn’t the most beneficial for yourself alone, primarily in terms of not holding them back and ultimately doing what was cumulatively the best thing for the both of you in that situation, I would assume. In my eyes, what’s most important is the best conduct and how that stands on it’s own two legs regardless of the circumstances of course, and yet then again of course the best conduct can be quite subjective, but you still did pretty well.
It’s a shame to have that missing gap in terms of a person though, which beforehand, actually took up a spot in your life and all. In my situation I don’t need that sort of thing, hands are full probably all of the time since there are things in my eyes to attend to which probably affect much more people in comparison for what can be seen as at least a slight benefit (I hope, ultimately what determines it is how it plays out, can’t say that for certain), but I used to have it and in such a thing there was indeed security of some sort. I felt like the person was pretty alright nearly all of the time and it’s rare to feel that about someone you are in heavy contact with (for a few hours or so each time), so in that sense things like that exist thankfully. Also able to be replicated and improved upon the next time if you’ve done it before, but it can be quite dependent on circumstances.
In terms of this other person you’ve casually gotten along with, I mean, just the fact that it happens really or is able to happen even though you can’t really say it will go anywhere is nice in my eyes. If things are ended off, continued or sort of fade away on amicable terms, either way I think you could say you’ve made it work to some extent, but I’m no expert. Talking about normal things, I mean, damn my standards may have eroded or something based upon contexts in which that’s more uncommon and requires more effort on both parties sides such as in classes for instance, and yet that strikes me as surprisingly pleasant. Even if it’s on a surface level, in which a bunch of things could certainly be.
Honestly, whether you find someone you are compatible with or not, a puzzle piece is still part of the puzzle through distinction from other pieces alone and what most uniquely defines it. You are whole either with or without the presence of another, so long as you focus on becoming that of course, but then that indicates that you are not whole yet and all… and yet, of course, even if you are slotted together with something else that doesn’t mean any sense of wholeness either, so kind of goes both ways. Regardless, the inexperience is the thing to be tackled, whether it’s in the partner sense or in other areas of life.
Dating, is uh… You have that many people looking around all for the same singular purpose and yet it seems to barely and/or rarely work out in terms of that same singular purpose. It’s an oddity. But then of course, they all have different wants and needs, so if it’s a matchmaking sort of process, that makes more sense. With the limited amount of time, sort of becomes based upon chance in my eyes, and I wouldn’t rely on that but that depends on how much you want it still. In your case, you could still see the odds as worth it, and there’s still autonomy there then. If you think other countries will help, go for it. It also helps to be clear with your wants and needs from the get go, that way you have the most time and clarity.
Truthfully, none of it has to be about desire, sometimes it’s just about practicality, in terms of treating well what treats you well and all that. Not that one can always see that, but we tend to have the best hunches about our own circumstances regardless. Desire can sometimes be too weak of a thing to actually hold up, well, how relationships go on over the course of years and all that, and there’s also no central authority determining what is and isn’t “good enough”, that more so goes on between the people or rather participants of the whole thing.