Pretty self-explanatory. I just can’t. Even earlier today, when I had helped work outside, and then had to take a shower, and then had to get ready to go to a thing. It took nearly everything out of me. I’m glad I went to the thing – someone I care about was there and I’d like to at least hope she was glad I was there. But… it was just so much.
Getting out of bed, and getting out of this room, has only been getting harder. So, other tasks are even worse. Even the most basic cleanliness is just… so hard for me. Being around people is hard, no matter how much I may crave it sometimes. Everything is just so hard lately. I’m expected to get a job, to get a move on with my life. Which, obviously. Yet I just don’t. I say I look, and very occasionally I do, but I don’t. I’m a coward who’s too afraid to even look a person in the eye, much less do… everything needed to be done for all that. I’m scared, and I’m a lazy piece of shit. I do damage control – shooting for the out of sight, out of mind approach. Just hang out in here, drive myself nuts. But it’s better than driving anyone else nuts. I play the part I need to play, when I need to play it, as to lessen their stress. I do my best to help around the house. I do a shitty job. Just like everything else. It’s like I don’t know how to be anything else. Other than this. Shitty.
I guess I’m just fucking brain dead or something, knowing full well there are steps I need to take or whatever to do what must be done, but it’s like I don’t know how to do said steps. I should. I should know and be doing a lot of damn things. Like how to stop being the burdensome piece of shit that I am. At this point it’s almost like I’m intentionally doing it. Being stuck, being like this. Doing absolutely nothing. I had thought I couldn’t get any worse as a person. Damn, was I wrong. I should be ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of myself. I’m a fucking parasite to this world. I feel bad for anyone who’s had to put up with this shit from me. Just putting up with me in general.
Been doing some research. Mainly the 3 am type just like this rant, but nonetheless. Haven’t been quite this low in a while, I don’t think. Finding something is hard. My initial method, I found out, isn’t a very successful one apparently, but I might’ve found something. As long as I’m not being an idiot and reading things wrong, anyway. Knowing my luck, who knows. I don’t imagine myself living super long. Not like this month gone, but like sometime next year gone. Why am I holding out, anyway? I’m sure if I looked around I could find… something. I remember a long, long time ago- I don’t consider it an attempt, because I spit them out halfway from being scared. It wouldn’t have worked anyway, turns out. No one knows about it other than here, and no one will. I think I was 15. Whenever 10th grade is. Why… why didn’t I just do it? Fuck this survival instinct bs. Wish I could get over it. I feel really stupid for not being able to. But yet I can’t see myself living to the legal drinking age. I really, really can’t.
I can’t even do the bare minimum of fucking living. Yet I can’t die either. Fucking ridiculous.
I’m sorry.