In recent times I’ve felt a burning anger and hatred towards things that would previously make upset or sad. I used to get depressed when I walked around campus and saw couples holding hands and kissing in the hallways or when I saw friends laughing and having fun together at lunch. Now, I feel nothing but rage.
I hate them for having what I’ve never been able to have. I hate them for enjoying their youth while I can’t. I hate them because their lives are going well while mine is shit.
This year, I’ve been trying to improve myself socially. I smile at people, I say hello to my teachers, I talk to my peers in class, and I even worked up the courage to ask a girl for her instagram. The result? Absolutely nothing.
I’m still stuck in the same spot I was when I didn’t try at all. The thing about making friends at this point is that everyone has already found their clique—or even found a partner. There is no room for someone like me. People are too worried about the people they’ve known since they were 12 to care about some loser they didn’t even know existed until 3 months ago.
I’ve said this to myself many times before, but I’m giving up on making friends. There is no point in trying something when you continue to get no results.
I honestly think suicide is my only destiny. I can’t see myself living happily in the future or doing all the things normal people do, like getting married and settling down. All I see in my future is loneliness and unhappiness. Nothing more.
1 comment
I’m sorry that you’re going through all rough time. I have similar problems with solitude. It sometimes gets easier it sometimes gets harder. It’s ok to be sad and upset about. But becareful when you start feeling bitter rage. It might lead to it being all you ever feel.
I don’t know how to make improve your situation other than to keep trying. It’s stupid advice, but it’s the only real way. I understand how shitty it feels when you feel like you’re going nowhere. I understand that giving up seems like the only real option. It blows but it’s either keep trying or calling it. And you never know where or when someone good might pop up. Random chance has a bizarre way of changing everything. Hope you’re able to find someone good and things get better.