In recent times I’ve felt a burning anger and hatred towards things that would previously make upset or sad. I used to get depressed when I walked around campus and saw couples holding hands and kissing in the hallways or when I saw friends laughing and having fun together at lunch. Now, I feel nothing but rage.
I hate them for having what I’ve never been able to have. I hate them for enjoying their youth while I can’t. I hate them because their lives are going well while mine is shit.
This year, I’ve been trying to improve myself socially. I smile at people, I say hello to my teachers, I talk to my peers in class, and I even worked up the courage to ask a girl for her instagram. The result? Absolutely nothing.
I’m still stuck in the same spot I was when I didn’t try at all. The thing about making friends at this point is that everyone has already found their clique—or even found a partner. There is no room for someone like me. People are too worried about the people they’ve known since they were 12 to care about some loser they didn’t even know existed until 3 months ago.
I’ve said this to myself many times before, but I’m giving up on making friends. There is no point in trying something when you continue to get no results.
I honestly think suicide is my only destiny. I can’t see myself living happily in the future or doing all the things normal people do, like getting married and settling down. All I see in my future is loneliness and unhappiness. Nothing more.
4 comments
I’m sorry that you’re going through all rough time. I have similar problems with solitude. It sometimes gets easier it sometimes gets harder. It’s ok to be sad and upset about. But becareful when you start feeling bitter rage. It might lead to it being all you ever feel.
I don’t know how to make improve your situation other than to keep trying. It’s stupid advice, but it’s the only real way. I understand how shitty it feels when you feel like you’re going nowhere. I understand that giving up seems like the only real option. It blows but it’s either keep trying or calling it. And you never know where or when someone good might pop up. Random chance has a bizarre way of changing everything. Hope you’re able to find someone good and things get better.
WhenI was single, I used to feel disgusted with myself for being single. I believed that if I ever got married I might finally be happy. One day, I did get married. But I still wasn’t happy.
All I’m trying to get at, as someone on the other side of that fence, is to not forget about your relationship with yourself. You could gain the whole world and all its pleasures, and you’ll still be unhappy if you don’t love yourself.
Alright, average foolfool opinion that I’m giving at 11:37 PM at the start of writing this post even though I should be focusing on actually applying for a full time job as soon as possible so that my finances are at least akin to the average American’s (not sure how many live paycheck to paycheck but I’ll be joining in soon).
None of that, at least in the way I see it, at least from your perception in terms of what you know about the people and their circumstances, is necessarily that good of a time? When it comes to the public displays of affection and friendship at least, yeah, as an outside person the full picture is kind of never there. At least I would assume, I used to spend the previous few years of my life in contact with some decent people actually that weren’t bad to hang out with at all, but you know, that doesn’t mean that everything is going to go smoothly even if both parties are quite reasonable and understanding of one another, considering how as people the different priorities are a constant. It still not be the most beneficial, for either side, to stay in contact depending on the circumstances, considering all that is life, and how alike your life may be currently, yeah, they do a “better job” of hiding the worst parts of their situations when they’d really ought to spend most of the time on that. At the very least, hopefully you can say that company would in general improve your life, that’s great that you know, but a lot of the time people can also feel rather trapped in these situations, looking at your circumstances of all things as “something to envy” when neither are really enviable in this case should both people be unhappy.
A lot of the time it’s hard to determine what these friend groups/cliques, relationships and friendships even are or consist of, primarily because each party in the situation is not thinking about it all the time, and they each have slightly different views in terms of what they think they may be participating in but isn’t necessarily reciprocated view wise by the other person/people, and this is for better or worse. Because obviously, you know, a teacher may not give a response to you all the time when you do walk in, greet them and take a seat, but they still heard you nonetheless, and odds are they’ve also thought about it. NOT that it may lead to anything tangible, of course, I get your frustration on that. Particularly when it comes to people of course, since we are all individual actors, you can only encourage certain kinds of action and not necessarily force anyone to do anything, especially in a social setting in which, you know, a ton of things ultimately are taken more subjectively than objectively and depend on the person. Doesn’t mean that the attempt itself is necessarily pointless though if you can control at least one actor in the equation, that being yourself, in terms of doing the right things. If you are affecting one person in that sense, at least then I’d assume it’s a tangible impact for you, but you know, that depends on what you think, may not be in your case. Ultimately, if you’re “trying to improve” yourself socially, that alone is a improvement in even the smallest sense, just that the quantity may not feel like it’s enough in terms of change.
Now, taking it a step further there’s certainly room for people like you because there ARE people like you, and not in a “odds of finding your soulmate” kind of way, but rather being around you in all sorts of different contexts. Just that, of course, for a ton of those, the context isn’t meant for what you both want, and that you aren’t going to have the best odds in a supermarket or doctor’s office for example besides some small talk. Cliche stuff to say, yes, but with the concept of “third spaces” and all we have certainly had less of those over time, and even those have not been the most successful when you are in an environment that features intoxication to the point of going silly or some stuff like that, although the advantage is that they are suited for the purpose and you probably have more people willing to give things a shot than others in such places. Although unfortunately, they may also have problems such as being more inconsistent than you’d like or having schedules in which, although you meet on a structured basis, it’s not a regular one, and you go back to looking for actual pals and all that.
Of course, what’s indicated with what I just said is that despite how wide of a net you’re casting there, you still have firm lines separating what is and isn’t a friend (and thanks god you do, keep them up and in sight lest there is more trial and error) and that, very much so, defines the process as well. If the start is wanting to laugh and have fun together with said friends, that gives you something to prioritize in a section of life where direction is key, but that depends on whether or not the hassle is worth it of course. If the price of time and resources is too high for what you eventually find yourself spending in order to get at least something decent there (which is more common than you think and is not only the case for you of course), you have the right to put it aside, and also life if you want, but I have a feeling life has much more to offer than just fleshy bodies alike you and I.
I’d ought to have cleaned this up by the way, a lot of redundancy and rambling there which affects how many points I could have fit in… still, 70% of where it would have been I’d hope.