Goddamn, but it hurts. And there are too many similarities between all my experiences, too many for comfort. It makes me feel ugly and uncertain. It feels so UNJUST, you know?

What is “fair”, anyways?

It’s my lack of trust, which hurts me so much. So much. and I think they misunderstand me. But how much am I to blame?

I’m trying so hard to stand up for myself, to respect MYSELF. And I realize I can be so destructive, which is why I keep everything bottled up inside in an attempt to be “fair” and not hurt anyone. But all that bottled stuff is constantly poisoning me as well. DO I JUST NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE? I can’t tell the difference between who “deserves” what and who doesn’t. Sometimes I truly feel that they do all deserve my hatred. Fuck.

What do I do, then?

I can’t.

I just can’t. All I can do…is to stay away from people. Friendship is literally impossible for me right now.

I want to consider my flaws and faults, so I can grow stronger. Yet with my weak as piss personality I’m afraid I’m going to swing too far in the other direction, just sitting in silence, allowing everyone to pass, to walk over me because I feel so fucking scared and petty and worthless and INFERIOR. I’m not inferior I’m not inferior I’m not inferior. And fuck me, for even having to say that.

I don’t know.

All you fuckers, you people…

I can’t trust you.

I can’t trust myself.

And I don’t see any way out.

I’m always screaming at fever pitch, but no-one can ever hear me. and it’s not surprising. and I’m torn between wanting nothing more than to unleash all my pain, and telling myself they don’t deserve it. But if they don’t, then tell me, why the fuck do I feel this way? Why is it there? And why does no-one care? It could just be that they don’t understand it. Of course they wouldn’t. When I make so much effort to never let even a sliver of it trickle out.

But don’t be fooled. It hurts, guys. Oh god it hurts.

please understand me

please just listen.

Oh wait, all I have is silence.