My story of suicide/depression

About 3 year ago I fell in love with a girl that I had known for a few years. We started to talk through texting, instant messaging etc, but we would never talk in person, ever, I mean I felt just guilty looking at her. We became “best friends” (sounds almost laughable now, considering we never said one word to eachother), but I always got so angry whenever we talked after a few months of this, and we argued pretty much every day (still through texting), which caused me to harm myself – most notably I have several long scars across my torso, a burn down my right leg and a scar just below my eye. About 3 times I would decide that I wanted to kill myself, but at the time I suppose I didn’t ACTUALLY want to, it was more of a cry for help, or a temporary release, giving me a feeling of it ending. After a while, we reconciled and we had an err, intimate time (you know.) over the phone, which is quite I guess. After this, for some reason, we just stopped communicating at all.
My close friends (the number of which was decreasing a fair bit during this time) talked to me one day saying I ought to get help, and I had no idea why. I mean, I was really depressed, and I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself, but I didn’t think it showed. So I got a therapist who told me I was showing early signs of psychosis. I began to hear things and such, too. A few weeks after this was when I genuinely decided that I had enough, that I just wanted all of it to fucking end, so I tore my shelves off the wall, and made a (terrible) noose and attatched it to the highest bracket on the wall. I put it around my neck and jumped. At this point (the comic relief, don’t feel bad if you laugh), I should probably tell you that I’m 6ft 6, and because of this I was too tall to hang properly from the brack, so my feet were ever so slightly on the floor, just enough to.. well, piss me off. After about 10-15 seconds, I started to become dizzy, and the room was spinning around right before my eyes, I wasn’t sure what I was thinking, but I was getting very sharp and quick hallucinations (the one I remember mostly was Bruce Willis poking his head out from behind my curtains). Then I blacked out. When I came to (which I didn’t know was possible since I was (half) hanging), I thought about half an hour or so had passed, but I looked at my iPod which was playing, and it was about 20-30 seconds later in the same song. I got a strange emotional feeling and took the noose off and ran downstairs, and sat down for a few hours.
After I told my therapist, she put me into a mental health hospital for just over 2 weeks, which was actually pretty great. When I got out, I thought about suicide a lot, constantly for months, but eventually these feelings died down and I became a (fairly) normal person again. However after a few weeks, I saw the girl again with her friends. I remember this part very vividly, because it confuses me still, as she “ran” over to me and gave me a hug and started talking to me just like a normal human being. I was shit scared to be honest. For about another year we just talked normally like normal friends, and never has anything to do with the start of my story popped up again. I began to think I may have been hallucinating the whole time I was in love with her (hell, I might have been), and I began to get paranoid, which triggered my psychosis off again. Once again, I tried suicide. This time however, I felt, grown(?), in a way by my previous experiences, willing to try new things sort of. So, I decided to try to kill myself by cutting my torso, arms and face until I bled out. I just can’t stand wrists (Achilles tendons are worse however, ruined Hostel for me totally), but I wanted the feeling of bleeding out. I also hate stabbing. Anywho, after all of this had died down, I had no reason to be depressed any more, and I had a pretty typical life. I felt nothing. Not happiness, nor sadness. I still now just wish with all my heart that I had just killed myself. I want to be dead but I am not suicidal, I would never attempt suicide now. I feel like I missed my chance, and my punishment is just to linger on until I do happen to die.
Thank you for reading this, sorry I went on a bit but I just wanted or me personally to have written out my experiences. All the best for everybody here.
Seany x