my decision

I’ve spent a long while thinking about my decision. Life just is just shit for me and it always will be. Shit started when I was 6, when I just came to Ireland with my mom to meet my da, I honestly had no memory of him before, life got bad when he entered it. It was a bearable kind of bad though. My sister was born later, after a while I got used to him beating my mom. It was bearable. When I turned eight and he got his new job, I dont know why but he began to turn on me as well and sexually abused me till twelve until he was out of my life forever. I’d testified before but “I was too young” according to the fucking law , therefore it did not count. I’ve been in trouble with the Gardai before, I have a history of drug abuse. I’m a girl and bisexual, so I went through a period of feeling like shit because of that as well, probably didn’t help that I lost my virginity (basically raped) at eleven by my supposedly “best friend”. She had it worse than me, in foster care cuz her ma was in hospital for drug abuse. I don’t know where she is. I’ve had a number of sexual encounters which mostly left me feeling shit. I’ve usually been with girls, partially because I’m attracted to them, mostly because men scare me usually. I was bullied in my school and my mom never let me talk to her lest I “make her hit the bottle”. Not that she needed an excuse to drink anyway. All this, was bearable. I was in CTYI which is a centre for gifted kids. I fell in love with a guy there who basically used me for a year. Came close then but my current boyfriend lifted me out of it. The boy I’m with I’ve been with for ten months, yeah it was stupid to believe him but he said he loved me and proposed to me. Maybe I wouldn’t have believed him if I hadn’t been so starved of love earlier, or if I was not so scared of guys, but I believed him and it was perfect. For eight months it was perfect. Then my mother picked a great time to go loopy and paranoid and call the gards on me every two secoonds, and tell them I’m suicidal, i use weed etc etc. why? because I stood up for myself for once. At the time of the first call to the gardai, one of my friends Annie (who my mother approved of) was trying to get another friend Michelle in trouble for “assaulting” her. Michelle was not guilty, because I’d been there at the time all this was supposed to have taken place. I wouldn’t lie. not for Annie, not for my mother. I don’t lie about big stuff. They were both pissed. Later that night I had the gardai called on me because I was being “violent” (I took a walk because my mom was shouting nonsense) came back and there they were. This became the start of a long cycle lasting two months. My mother is a rather deceitful person, who has boasted on several occasions of the various occasions she stabbed her sisters in the back. Its gotten to the stage where everytime I saw a big van park outside I’d leg it. I’ve talked to people about her but I’m a kid so nobody listens, or if they do its in a fucking patronising way. Gardai I genuinely hate. They didn’t protect me from my dad, came running like the bunch of blue dogs they are every time my mam calls. My mom even called my da in because i was “uncontrollable” (i told her in the morning i was gonna call one of her friends Joan because Joan has helped her out of a situation in the past and she was the last person i could turn to) next morning then da shows up. I called the gards and because I was panicking since he was in the room I was told I needed to see a shrink (amazing how he hasn’t had to see one) but they made him leave and she can’t call him back because if she does then I can call the gards. But I was beginning to feel even more imprisoned. All this was bearable since I had my boyfriend who I thought would be there forever. The situation was getting worse but because he begged me to, I held on. About a week ago he said he’s thinking of breaking up with me. That shattered my world, or what was left of it. I’ve talked to people, counsellers and shit and I always came out feeling worse. The shrink says I’m sane so thats one good thing thats happened. But after Darren said he was leaving I’ve had a serious look at my life. Honestly its crap. I know there is worse but mine is definetly at the lower end. It has no hope of getting better. I’m supposedly “gifted” but all the gifted kids I’ve ever seen are always messed up in one way or another, be it mental health issues or abuse. I’m bright enough for college, but whatever happens, I can never get away from my family. I’m a basket case. No guy or girl would have me in a serious relationship for long. I’d wreck my kids lives if I was lucky enough to get that far. So I’ve come to a decision and I’ve got the tools for my suicide. I’ve persuaded my boyfriend to wait two weeks. If he stays then I won’t, and maybe if I’m more stable later I’ll survive if theres a break up, but if he breaks up with me now, it will be the last straw. I can’t take being alone while all this is happening. I’ve had “help” and its always hurt way more. Until Darren nothing was going right. But having had someone like him give me hope and then snatch it away when I needed it most to keep going seems like a cruel joke. I’ve met the love of my life, who really and truly gave me a reason to live, the one ray of sunshine in all the filth and he may leave. I can’t take it if he does. Its funny how no one would ever let me die though. Ive made attempts before with pillows and suffocation my only regret is that they failed. So in two weeks itll be decided. Ive worked out a foolproof way to do it. It’ll be quick, definete and no one can rescue me from i, but I’ll only know in two weeks. It hurts. It really does, my sadness isn’t raw anymore, but its sort of settled into my bones in a way that’;ll never leave, and the thought of waking up everyday alone with it is too much. I’m not going to change my mind. But I’ll only carry it out in two weeks if said circumstance comes to pass.  I know I’ve gone on for a while. i suppose I needed to let it out to people who doent know me.