When the last petal falls.. in short

Tear after the other, I failed to finish crying….

Keeping this mask on is draining my last bit of sanity..

Why is it when your sad you are always alone? Why is it that only I find pleasure in being there among those  who pretend to care?

Where is everyone now, when I am the one in need?

Been strong for so long, but loneliness has taken its toll on me, I dared to seek care… I dared to ask for tenderness.. I dared to imagine being loved.. But time after time, the nightmare kicked me in the guts, with phantoms of beings which never gave any of such …

Until..

I met my honey…

like fairy tales, everything was so hard to believe… that i could be that princess… that I get to share a life with someone.. that I am that SPECIAL  someone for once.. that special in this case is meant positively..

But it was too late..

I guess my past has already drained me, that i forgot how to live.. my emotions were too strong, too deep, too human.. and the damage was too great to be mended…

And the destruction began…

Lost in denial, I was clinging to the fairytale, that i refused to admit how ill the relationship was….

I was used to pain, hurt, anxiety, stress, despair, misery.. that happiness was foreign and scary..

I became defensive… couldn’t accept the fact that i am loved… thought it was temporary and would come to an end.. that once i lose it i will collapse.. that i cant believe i am not the target of hatred anymore.. that the sound in my chest is my heart beating again..

I still couldn’t believe…

while on the other side, my honey was aching … trying his utter best to make me see what he saw in me.. losing himself just to save me…

a limit..

I couldnt allow anyone else to suffer..  what was left in me succeeded …

few weeks are left, before I no longer have a shoulder to cry on.. and thats when I start to take it out on myself..

Is it worth it?

I’d say I’m not worth it..