Cut my throat out…

 Well I’m 16 now but 4 1/2 half years ago my life started to change… For the worst.

 It was my 8th grade year I was so excited to grow up and be a “teenager” I knew a lot of people but didn’t have many friends I kinda kept to myself and my sister got me into weed so I thought I was the only one who smoked at my school. I kept it a secret from even my Bestfriend at a time… But then I met this girl and her name was Alex omg she was amazing she became closer to me then my sister and were still close today but so much has happend to the point where I don’t wanna be her friend… But here’s my story 🙂

I was 13 in 8th grade in 2008 with a bitchen Bestfriend who smoked weed too 🙂 she basically supplied me with everything I ever needed but we were closer then the weed ever brought us… We started doing ecstasy every day everyday then summer came then 9th grade hit and Alex ran away… So I went and made a new friend with a girl named sky she became my other half 🙂 we were infatuated with each other!! We were bestfriends for 5 months.. 5 months of awesome ya I had a boyfriend His name is Joseangel he’s just my world funny story between us were high school sweethearts still in love no kids but living together, we have been back together for 10 months and together for 6 before we broke up he literally killed me he thought me and sky were togteher and couldn’t handel the stress between us… So he broke up with me I lost a bunch of weight got into more drugs partied ya no I just didn’t give a fuck. But one day it was mothers day of 2011 and I was with sky and we had taken a nap. Well her brother climbes into bed with us and proceeded to take advantage of me and touch me. I woke up to it and I started to cry I then got up and wanted to shower so I went to the bathroom and he barged into the bathroom and told me you should let me take a shower with you… I almost slammed his head in the fucking door.

I couldn’t find it In myself to tell sky until two days later I knew I should of told her right away but I just was embarrassed its still embarrassing till this day… This all happend in the summer… And around september angel asked me out again omg I was the happiest girl in the world I literally dropped everything for him I was just so happy and before that I wasent happy I hated myself wanted to just die ya no he brought light back into my eyes… Then Around Christmas time I lost my grandma… She was my everything she honestly raised me the most I love her so much and miss calling her just to say hey what’s up  or us Doing things when i was little… Around the time she died she just kept telling everybody she wasent going to be here much longer but we all just kinda joked about it and it still hasent hit that she is gone cause I tell you she’s not… Lol that was really hard to deal will and I was just so behind in school it didn’t help but my mom let angel move into our rental house cause he was graduated and working and could afford it so yea he moved in and I got on home studies at this time. And it was weird cause Alex my bestfriend had got this new girlfriend named Killian which was an absolute amazing girl. For the short time we new her she was just over all amazing she was for yorbalinda CA, amazing family I tell you she had moved to us in desert hot springs CA, and Alexs mom and Killian had moved in with my boyfriend so we had this circle going on and I live right up the street at my moms house so I would always be over here and be with Killian and just have the best times and she also became a Bestfriend so they were living here for a while like two months And me and Killian started getting really close and then we started bumping heads I don’t even know why I was just being stupid ugh I miss her….

March 15, 2012 Killian Elise Shennumm 18yrs old. Overdose on an illegal cocktail in our house… Alex and her were home alone the night before and me and angel were at my house and I got a call at 7 o’clock that morning from Alex screaming she’s dead Shes dead I couldn’t believe it I got dressed and ran…

I ran as fast as I could to get there…

I was almost there and I could remember the loud sirens I just could not believe it I remember just dropping to my knees once I hit the driveway there was caution tape and detective photos and paper work And copCars and ambulance lights and fireman hats everywhere throught the little two bedroom one bathroom house.. Me in my pjammas with no make up a hair a mess sitting on the curb giving my information to a police officer at 7:27 in the morning….

My heart was no longer there…

It still isn’t to a point… It’s July 11 2012 at 11:20 p.m and I’ve wanted to die for a couple years, I really haven’t tempted too but wouldn’t mind it…

I think I’m done I’ve seen enough and all I wanna see at 16 yrs old…

I love my boyfriend and I bend over backwards for everyone all the time no matter how small the situation and ya no I’m done with the bullshit people give me for not giving more what I already give. I shell out my spine and eyeballs so I’m done wanna check out… I really don’t think I’ll make it past 18 which I’m fine with…

I think I’ll be selfish and just try once to kill myself and If it doesn’t work then I’ll let natural causes take there toll…

Im surely not looking for pitty but I need something other then crying and I think this kinda helps to a certain point… I love you. I’m stoned and don’t know what

Mylifeneedstoend.bev