why should i even care?

thursday night: the night i decided both on dying and living, my urge to die has lessened. my will to live is not good. so where should i go? i cant leave. i cant live either. why do i care so much. why should i care? well, cuz the thursday night when everything went downhill, i wasnt alone. i had my best friend. sorta. i could tell every message i got from him, he was hurt. cuz i was nearly on may way out of this crazy fucked world. i was scared, scared what he might do if my attempt succeeded, and scared what will happen to me. THOUGH I CAUSED EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED on PURPOSE! to get away. leave. after a string of messages of hurt i changed my mind, but it was to late, my mind was taking over, my mind wanted to die more then being alive. i personally wanted both, though i knew it was time to make a desicion. i promised no more suicide, but how long is that ganna stay? even i know chance are i will break that promise. i hope not. but still. what if? what if i do. will i lose my best friend? or my life? why do i care? i promised. im just so flipped, what if i break it? then friday night: i knew and remembered the pain of thursday night and the fact it was still there, but i wanted something? MORE FUCKING PILLS! i took 7 more random pills, as i did this in th dark i didnt know what the hell i was swallowing besides the fact i felt free. one pill after the other. its sick. in less than 5 minutes i passed out and fell asleep. i woke up and started to stand up instantly everything was spinnin and i fell down and fell asleep, i woke up a second time to the phone ringing everythin was still dizzy and it hurt to move it hurt just to strecth my arms out, i got up to answer it thinking everyone was still asleep, but i opened the door and saw my mom took the call. so i closed my door, and looked in my mirror i looked stoned and tired, i went back to bed, now, Sunday i feel ok. now i just had a rush of anger come over and now i want to end it all. but i cant. i promised.