I just… don’t have any reason to be alive anymore. I can’t take being this lonely another year, and my situation won’t change unless i change, but I haven’t changed in 32 years, so it’s clearly not going to happen. I can’t even fake it anymore. My one friend came over for my birthday and I just shut down mid-afternoon. I don’t have anything left to say to anyone, or anything to contribute. I’m not a very good person, at heart, so I don’t give anything. back to anyone, just take, take, take. I tried to say I am really depressed, but I’ve had cyclical depression for so long that she thinks it’s just another bout. It’s hard to say how bad it is without giving away that I want to kill myself, that I have a solid plan, that it’s more serious with each passing week, that my slump ended last week and I still want to die .
4 comments
I’m not a great person either. I’m not necessarily proud of who I’ve become. So let me just say, I can relate. I havent changed and have no real intention to either. As to not being able to say how bad it is without giving away that you want to kill yourself, maybe you should give away that you want to kill yourself. Just telling one person your secret can take an enormous amount of weight off your shoulders. If that person can talk you down that is fantastic. If you’re not comfortable telling someone, I suggest writing about it. Not necessarily a diary or anything, but just something to release that sense of keeping something that important bottled up inside.
stay strong you can get through it. Have a serious talk with your friend that you need them to listen. Depression doesnt just leave its hard to get rid of and you never truly escape 100%.
thanks. I’m really not comfortable telling her b/c I don’t want her notifying anyone else. i tried writing about it for myself but writing without an audience has never worked for me….i wrote the samaritans too, though last time their reply was so pat i couldn’t even bring myself to respond again.
thank you