Idk

I just made this so I really don’t have anyone to get

Things off my  chest. Im just confused . I’m  13. I guess you could say I have a pretty good life or as people could see it . Nice house , family, boyfriend , all the friends . But nothing is never good enough. Me and my boyfriend are going through a rough stage and I’m really afraid of loosing him. I have to go and act like everything is find because I’m too embarrassed to tell my parents what’s going on. So I just have to suffer . I have big trust issues from past people and we fight a lot because of that. School is about to start and I know we will breakup from other girls. He use to be this sweet and loving guy. But not so anymore . Idk if it’s me or him. I go around telling my family how amazing he is. And I do, he is truly amazing. I get a lot that I’m young but age is just a number. We are very serious and he is my life. I cry myself to sleep because I’m scared of loosing that one person in my life that I need . He doesn’t understand how much he means to me and I’ve been cheated on before (not by him) and I’m worried that he will just end up cheating on me. I feel like if I died he wouldn’t care . He would like me to be under ground. I told my bestfriend last night that I was thinking about killing myself and she was going to tell my stepmom . So I told her I wasnt. But now she’s ignoring me and won’t talk to me. So now I feel really alone. Alone and cold . Like dirt . My boyfriend and I are breaking by the second . And I lay here in my bed . Door locked and lights off. I can’t eat or talk to anyone because I’m too depressed. I get the courage to try to kill myself but I get to scared. I don’t want a painful death. I want it fast. So I won’t have to remember of letting go to everything I have. I lay here thinking what people would think and do if they find out that I’m dead. Would they care ? Probably not . I sit here miserable. Thinking why can’t I just do it . Put myself out of my pain. But I can’t . It’s hard to explain every detail of pain. But I want to be out of my misery. And out of everyone’s lives because it seems like it would be better that way.