I feel so confused… One minute I want to die, and the next I wish someone was here to tell me everything is going to be okay. I’m so unhappy with myself and I feel like such a failure. I know it’s all growing pains but I’ve felt so sad since I was in high school. I hate these hormones, or whatever is causing me to feel so sad. It’s a cycle. I can’t eat because I’m sad, and I feel sad because I don’t eat. I can’t make up my mind whether I want to live or die.
The boy I live with, whom I care for deeply, I’ve hurt because of my sadness and I feel guilty. I can’t sit in the same room with him without having to leave, to go cry shamefully in my room and cut my legs. The scars upon scars are so ugly and I’m so embarrassed but I can’t figure out what it is that’s making me so sad. I might be chemically imbalanced but I’m too stubborn to seek actual help. I feel like I should feel miserable for something, and I can’t get out. I’m so upset with myself because I can’t live up to my own expectations and I’m being so ridiculous. Knowing how stupid I am being doesn’t make me feel better. I know depression runs in my family, but I don’t want to admit it to myself for some prideful reason.
Everyone sees me as a firework, full of energy and happiness… but really, I feel broken. I wish I could be the person that I portray, and that I was stronger. I just don’t want to cry anymore but why isn’t it as simple as just not doing it? It’s ridiculously hard for me and sometimes I think I’m just addicted to my misery. There’s nothing wrong in my life, but everything feels wrong. Why is my perception so warped? Why is it that I’m so privileged and spoiled that I can’t see beyond this make-believe depression I feel? I feel like if I keep going this way, I’m going to crash and burn. I just want to fall asleep and not wake up.
4 comments
I recognise this.. I really wish I had any good advice. I for one am considering finally getting help after many years, perhaps you should too. Just a friendly suggestion.
It sounds like you would probably benifit from talking to someone. Have you ever considered seeking help?
To be honest, I’m scared to get help. But I know I should. It’s just I feel so embarrassed because I’m just sad. There’s no reason. I received the number from the crisis line the other day for a place that offers therapy and counseling. I feel like I’m just wasting their time. To me, it just says that I was not meant to survive and that I should die because my genetics are fucked. My sister suffers with BPD, and several of my cousins have clinical depression. We’re a happy fucked up mess. I was dragged to the emergency room by the guy I mentioned and my mother and the way the hospital staff looked at me made me feel so embarrassed and sick… I feel like I’d rather die than try to explain myself to these people.
Awwwww, I’m so sorry you feel this way.
My depression actually started in junior high, but because of other things.
If you ever need to talk, brl.cents@gmail.com is my email address.