This will be a bit.. long. So be prepared to read my stupid, pathetic story.
First off, I want to give you backround information, so you clearly can understand some excerpts from this. A year ago I had no self control. I caused drama. Backstabbed people. For no reason. I felt a thrill. A depressing thrill from it. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. But this year, I am a “new person”.
I guess.
But, I am in late highschool. I am not a young-puberty-hit-moron with unusual hormones. I look at people, and I have no respect for them, because over the years, people have been cruel to me, though over the years I have tried my hardest to make a section of humanity around me, well, happy. It never works. I try to help people, and I have no effort, but I want effort, but my mind doesn’t allow it; and the people that need help, think that I really don’t give a fuck. I am in a relationship, it’s a nice one, but I usually wound it time to time by accident. I get increasingly stubborn, and fend off any help I get. I don’t enjoy being depressed, But I guess my mind does. Every single chance of help I get, I never listen, and I wallow in anger, and a downward spiral of depression. I am so pathetic. I get in the shower, paranoid of everything, and think about severe deaths of other people around me, besides a few people in my family. I have an unusual sexual thought process, dreaming of sex sometimes, though I am still a virgin, and it makes me feel pathetic. I get good grades, but — earlier today, a girl told me “everyone” has “lost respect” for me. I try, and I try, but my mind won’t let me do anything. I wear eccentric clothes — I mainly want to believe I don’t care what others think, but I usually end up crying when I get home, paranoid that everybody hates me, and even my own lover doesn’t care about me whatsoever.
I even feel worthless writing this. I feel like everyone will give me the same old “go to a doctor” help and “try to stay happy!”
It’s not as easy as going to a psychologist or staying happy — I’ve been to a psychologist, he just listened, and didn’t seem to care, like some robot listening to people’s complaints for $150 a visit. I have also starved myself for a whole month with under 300 calories a day, losing 25 pounds in one month — I am recovered, but that voice of Anorexia still pulls me by the neck, punches me, and tells me that I’m fat. I’m also 5’7 and 116 lbs. And if you’re still reading this by now, wow, you have patience. I want to kill everyone. I want to destroy myself.
I am completely worthless and incompatible with everyone that comes in my sight.
I am a solitude introvert. I’m just a depressed psycho, I guess.
I might just give up. I need extreme help, and nothing ever works.
4 comments
Hey, you’re not that much of a lost cause. Your only problem is that ridiculously low self esteem.
You feel crazy, right? Lets put it into persective. There’s this great quote by Naomi wolf – talking about ‘insanity’ in women and psychoanalytic theory, she says “Isn’t insanity a perfectly sane reaction to an insane society?”
You’re going through a tough time, don’t make it worse by being so hard on yourself.
Yeah, i was pretty crazy a few years ago too, trouble with police, obsessed with serial killers,didn’t care about anything. I’m not like that anymore though, in fact i care about everything and everyone now. Comming from someone who hates themselves from all the years of being a maniac i’ll say this, sometimes we think icky thoughts, and we think to ourselves “how can i think of something so horrible” and we convince ourselves that we are horrible, but try and fight the urge to indulge yourself in madness there’s really nothing down that road.
If you want to talk to someone who will listen to w.e you have to say without judging you as a psycho you can email me adamkormelink@aol.com
Let’s put it this way, I wanted to kill everyone and everything when I was around your age. Every person in the world had a cruel and horrible death waiting for them because my life had been fucked. I’m still convinced that I’m supposed to be a punching bag for all kinds of people. I have starved myself before. But you see, my mother is a *****. She literally force fed me when she discovered I was starving myself. And I don’t like letting people control me like that. I’d rather eat of my own free will, knowing that I’m in control, than have some ***** shove shit down my throat.
In fact, I think you’re exactly like me. Fix this path. You’re following mine and that’s a horrible path. I was in a relationship too, I gave everything to him. He literally changed my life around. He made me believe in people again. He made me think that maybe the world doesn’t want me as a punching bag. Two years of sheer bliss. I felt happy everyday I was with him because we understood each other and we shared everything. Then he was taken away. Gone. Just like that. He was tortured by illness for nearly a year. Then he was gone. I let my fucked up little head beat myself up, I still let it happen. But I can admit it because I’m fucked. After losing him, I was thoroughly convinced, yet again, that I was useless and a punching bag. I’m shutting up. I’m in a horrible mood right now…
The point I’m trying to say is don’t let this continue. Do you really really love your relationship? if you do, put your trust in him. Do it. He may turn out to be one of the few people who truly understands you. Find a friend who understands you. BTW, you probably have the bullshit thing going on in your head, where almost everything someone else says is bullshit because they are bullshit. Switch that off. It’ll help, trust me. People need to learn self control; and controlling the bullshit filter is a valuable skill to have. Start believing in yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are one of a kind. That you are worth something. That you are beautiful. That you are amazing. It’ll take time to believe yourself. I know it will. I still can’t do it properly. I’ve gotten to ‘one of a kind’ and I’m struggling with telling myself that I’m worth something to someone.
Oh, and food is fucking delicious. That really is one thing I don’t understand about people who starve themselves (haha insult myself here). Food is damn delicious. So much of it is mouth watering. Why would you keep yourself from indulging yourself every once in a while? I mean, yes we all die, you might as well make yourself as happy as possible before that happens. Don’t let these years pass by you with all these negative feelings filling them.
Thank you. An answer I was looking for, an answer with someone that can kind of relate. You’ve helped me a bit, thank you.