I want to share a little about myself, and my current predicament that has lead me to write this today. Ive always been a shy, rather introvert, sensitive man ( Typical Cancer and middle child syndrome). I seem to be plagued by bad luck, and everyday seems to be another uphill struggle. Â I always put other people first, and I would never see anyone struggle, regardless of who they were. Ive suffered with low mood and depression as far back as I can remember, and recent events have lead me to seriously think where I am, who I am, and why I keep breathing. I lost my mum almost a year ago to cancer, it was a short illness, and a comedy of errors by the hospital who admit they mucked up by losing scans etc etc. I held her hand while she moved on from this world to the next, and I believed it helped me with the loss, and the grieving process. I took the ” Lifes too short” mantle away from this experience, and decided to start living living life. I got in touch with a girl I had a crush on at school, and decided to tell her how I felt about her all those years ago. I never told her then, as, well, woman frighten the bejesus outta me. I half expected her to laugh, but instead she was flattered and we started seeing each other as friends. We fell pretty hard, very fast, and everything felt like FINALLY was going my way for a change. We spoke of marriage, the future, what we wanted, everything. Even the sound of each others names sent shivers through us, so you can imagine how good it was. I truly believe we are soul mates, and our destiny was to be together for eternity. Alas, as my life has a funny way of doing, she left me via text, for someone else. I felt my heart break as this girl walked out of my life. Ive never loved before (Im 34), and really dont want to again. Ive only ever had feelings for this girl, even when we were at school, and my whole world has coming crashing down. Its sent me into a massive black hole, worse than Ive ever been in before. I attempted suicide a week ago, and I was so so upset that I failed. Ive tried to go on as normal with my life, as thats what people expect from me, but Im so low Im really struggling just to function. Ive cried every day for the last six weeks, and I really, really dont want to go on anymore. What makes it worse is, im still in touch with the girl, who is telling me all about her new relationship, and stuff. My heart is hurting so much as one of the reasons she gave for leaving me was ” I was too nice, and I loved her too much”. They say time heals all wounds, but im spiralling out of control, towards a deep black abyss. I love the girl with all that I am, but I really dont know what to do for the best. I really wish my life was over, as it feels like there really is no point anymore…… Thank you for taking the time to read this.
24 comments
Hi WayneC, I don’t have any great answers , only i can relate, been in a similar situation before myself, and it is shit, no doubting it, but try to hang in there, time does eventually make it easier…
I’m going thru the same exact thing at the moment. I just lost the only guy I ever loved, it’s a long story. It hurts like hell, and I don’t ever want to love again too. But let me tell you if that girl left you because “you loved her too much” then MY GOD she wasn’t the right one.
Of course try telling that to the heart. The heart always tells us that it was our fault and there is something wrong with us, and that that person is the most precious thing that ever happened to us.
Hey buddy this shit hurts like hell, but it isn’t your fault, some people are just cold like that. She never deserved you believe me. And why the hell would she show off her new relationship to you, that to me is a complete lack of empathy. God I can’t stand people like that, she reminds me so much of my ex.
Also, you need to cut off all communication with her, trust me if you stick around her it’s gonna take A LOT longer to heal.
Thanks for the reply guys. Sorry to hear you are in the same predicament Ellie, my heart goes out to you. xx. I know you speak the truth Ellie, its just, well, I cant help but think it shouldnt have ended. I miss her kids also. What makes it hardest to let go, is, her dad hovers around me, and keeps pestering me saying he is sorry ( Her dad is in spirit, I have a gift of communicating.). Ellie, if you want to tell your story, Im more than willing to listen.
I know what you mean Wayne. I’m trying my best to be a bitter towards my ex, just to make it easier to forget him, but deep down inside I love him desperately.
My story is almost identical to yours, as in this was my first true love, I decide to take a risk, I usually guard my heart immensely but I fell head over heels for him, we had amazing chemistry, and it seemed like we had known each other for years. We even jokingly called each other brother and sister lol because we were just so close.
I am bipolar, and I have been hurt a LOT by men in the past, so even though I loved this man with all of my heart, I started getting paranoid that he didn’t really love me like I loved him. I was so afraid that this is too good to be true, that I broke up with him.
I will never forgive myself for doing that, it was a momentary weakness, I didn’t mean to do it. I tried explaining to him why I did what I did, and that I didn’t mean it, and that I was terribly sorry, and that I wasn’t playing games. But even though he forgave me, he didn’t want me back.
He said he needed time and that we could be friends. I was already in a critical mental condition from all this stress, and I couldn’t handle being friends with him, I love him way too much to be friends, that would be pure torture, seeing him but not being able to kiss him.
I tried talking to him about this several times, I poured my heart out to him, but all I got is just a cold answer that he can’t be with me now, and that I would get better. So we parted our ways. Like you I am convinced him and I are soul mates… but if we are why did he become so cold towards me, why did he let me go. He couldn’t see past my weakness .. and I feel like true love would have.
I’m really sorry for babbling, you have your own pain right now, I didn’t mean to make this so long.
P.S. It’s awesome that you can communicate with the dead btw, I’m an empath, so I feel certain things too, but not as far as communicating with the dead. Why is he apologizing for his daughter though?
Oh ellie. I really really feel what you are feeling. My heart goes out to you. Our stories all almost identical. Really dont need to apologize for telling your story, Im pleased you did. Im guessing we have similar personality’s, as we are shouldering all the blame, and desperately want to give our hearts what they are crying out for. On reflection, If you and your ex are meant to be, it will find a way. Im a strong believer in that. That said, it doesnt stop it hurting like a *****. I really identify with you when you said, ” I couldn’t handle being friends with him, I love him way too much to be friends, that would be pure torture, seeing him but not being able to kiss him”. Im so stuck between wanting to be friends with her, just so I can see her smile, and wanting to walk away. Hearts like ours will always bear this pain, and thats the uncomfortable truth. Sending you massive virtual hugs. xx
Man it feels so good to be understood for once. Thanks Wayne I really appreciate it. 🙂 You seem like you have a BIG heart, I truly hope that your ex will see that, and embrace your love. If you ever need to vent or talk about this feel free to contact me, I totally get your pain.
You are welcome. I totally understand you. I get where you are coming from, trying to work out why true love would end up this way. Im currently going through the exact same thing. I know me and my ex are meant to be, and are soul mates, but unfortunatly, she doesnt seem to agree. Even though she says she still loves me and always will, she was pretty fast to move on. Ive been told that a few times about my heart, I wear it on my sleeve, which is why it hurts so damn much.
Her dad thinks its his fault that Im going through so much pain. He tried to push us together at school, and throughout the intervening years, but I never heard him ( only developed the skill in 2000 after a illness). He knew I loved his daughter from the first look, and he has told me Im the one for her. He was so happy we were together, as was my mums spirit, and now there is a sadness in his soul. Its all he has ever wanted for his daughter, is to be with me. :”(
Thank you Ellie, im always here to talk to too.
That really sucks… can it be that she got into a relationship to maybe make you jealous? I don’t know .. I’m just trying to figure her out. But then again why make you jealous when you made it clear that you love her and want her back. My ex sad he loves me too, but only as a “person”, not romantically. That hurt like hell..
I pray that her dads spirit will have peace, btw why is his spirit still on earth? Wasn’t he supposed to go to another realm or something like that?
At any rate, I also believe if it’s meant to be it will be, no matter what 🙂 Maybe she will realize that you tow are soul mates in time.
I really dont know Ellie. She seems pretty happy with her new man, I guess I just gotta suck it up and move on/ A lot easier said than done, as you’ll agree. That sounds harsh from your ex, I got ” Id love us to be best friends for life, but im with him now”… That cut so deep, and so hard.
Her dad was gone for a time, while we were together, but he appeared again, a couple of weeks before we split. Spirits can hover here for years if they feel they have unfinished business, or something that needs to be told. He has expressed to me, that he was concerned for his daughter, that is why he was here. My mum has popped in a couple of times too. I dont know how to deal with his spirit at the moment, im sure he will find peace eventually. Ill try all I can to ensure this. I guess we just have to wait and see Ellie, both of us. :). How long were you and your ex together?, how recent is the split?
†Id love us to be best friends for life, but im with him now†– I would die if my ex told me that…
We were together for about a month and a half .. I know that seems like a short time .. but it felt like years. It felt like we knew each other for so much longer, do you know what I mean?
We broke up on the 2nd of August 🙁 .. I spent most of august hiding as much away from the world as I could. How about you and your ex?
This is so interesting about the spirit world, you are so lucky to have such a gift. How exactly do you communicate with a spirit, if it’s okay to ask? Do you talk verbally to them or thru thoughts?
I know, I did die a little when she said that. I truly believe Ive died some inside since the split.
I know exactly what you mean, 10 days, 10 years, it doesnt matter, when you know its true, you know. We were together 8 month, but Ive known her over 20 years. I walked out of work when it happened, and have not really left the house much since. I dont hold out much hope for a reconciliation with her, but as long as she is happy.
Its more of a thought thing. Ill give you a example. My ex didnt believe her dad was around, so I started telling her what I was feeling. I named his favourite song, his last words, took her to where her mum lived, and told her about the glass that broke in the kitchen. All these things come to me as thoughts and cold swirls on my right hand side. It is nice at times, but it can be a pain, if someone comes in uninvited. He is here now, asking if im talking to her.
I’m so sorry for all your pain, I died inside too. I have never cried so loudly in my life. I mean I was literally almost howling lol… it’s actually amazing that we can survive such horrible pain, cause I thought I’d have a heart attack suffering the way I did.
I have a similar discernment/ gift too, only mine is not as developed as yours. I can usually predict certain things, but I doubt myself a lot so I don’t always listen to that voice within like I should. But you seem like you have actually learned who to control your gift. That’s awesome.
Does anyone besides her dad and your mom visit you?
Wow, you know what, thats exactly what I did. The pains i had in my chest were unreal. I cried so much, I couldnt open my eyes the next day. Ive cried everyday since the spilt. Its testament to the human body and mind, that we keep going. Im so sorry you’ve suffered, I really wouldnt wish it on anyone.
How does yours work?. Ive always been fascinated with empaths. You sound like you have a lot to offer the world, and I know its easier said than done, but you should have a little more confidence in your ability.
Ive lost count of the visits Ive had over the years. Sometimes, Ill walk into a house and I can tell the owners more about them than they knew :). Last year I was asked to a friends house, who was having experiences she couldnt explain. I came across the spirit of a woman holding a small brown teddy. She was looking for her child. I described the woman to my friends mam, and it turns out it was the spirit of her great gran, who lost a child giving birth to it. She never got over it, and died with the remorse of having a still born child. Basically all I had to do was tell her where she was likely to find her child, and she never appeared again.
That’s amazing .. I have always wanted to do what you do, that is just pure epicness.
I can’t even explain the way my empathy works .. because it’s different in every situation.
Basically I am VERY sensitive to emotions and feelings, not only people’s, but also animals, insects and plants. I can usually feel if I’m doing something wrong or right. I can usually predict the outcome of a certain situation.
I felt a lot of weird things from my ex, but since I fell in love with him head over heels I just thought I was over reacting. 🙁 See sometimes I just don’t know… or do I?
For some reason I feel like your from England .. I don’t know why, but if I’m wrong this will definitely put a dent in my credibility. LOL
“What makes it worse is, im still in touch with the girl, who is telling me all about her new relationship…”
Cut the cord.
Thats cool. I think what you have is cool. Epicness, thats my new favourite word. :).
Well, your credibility is in tack, I am from England. Id be interested if you can pick up on anything else about me. Feel free to give it your best short. Im assuming you are from the States, and if I had to hazard a guess, Id say midwest?.
I wish it was that simple Eddie. But true love never dies, even if it isnt returned.
Oh man I’m so glad I didn’t fail miserably. I am from the US, but I’m from the East, New York City. A HORRIBLE place to live if you’re an empath. I pick up on so much pain, you have no idea.
I’m not really seeing anything else that specific on you, at least for now. But this is way fun though, if I see something I will let you know. 🙂
Ah, well, I was only like 3000 miles out. Ive always wanted to visit New York City. Id imagine its a nice as I see in the movies. ( Might be a unhealthy obsession with Friends also ). I can imagine its horrible living with your ability, in a place like New York. Its very similar, to having unknown spirits pressing on me to help them.
Please do let me know, Im a open book, so I should be quite readable. Its been great talking to you tonight, you’re the first person Ive related too in a long time. Im off to bed as Im beat. Speak soon Ellie, look after yourself, and Im here if you need to talk about anything.
Well New York is a great city to visit, but DEFINITELY not to live in. It’s crazy and hectic and crazy and hectic lol. I’m glad I live in a quieter part of the city, cause otherwise I’d croak.
It was really great to meet you too 🙂 you really brightened my mood. It’s very comforting knowing that someone out there is going thru the same thing you are. Not that I’m glad you’re suffering, but you know what I mean. I hope you have a great rest and feel better, talk to you soon Wayne.
Well I think you might want to tell her ‘hey stop telling me about who you’re dating because I can’t get over you and it fucking hurts.’ I think she’s convinced that since you’re an ex and probably just a friend now, that it’s great and ok to talk about every little thing in her life; especially her lovelife. You need to tell her everything straight up. Tell her everything. Ask her to just listen to you. Don’t beg; for the love of crap don’t beg. That will give her power and she won’t take you seriously. You have only loved once? Oh my, I thought it was bad at my age… You’ve gone way longer. Congrats for staying this long. Now start thinking for yourself. Make yourself happy. DO NOT think about making others happy. Especially this girl. YOU FIRST. I’m not saying, do something that’ll hurt them and make you happy. Just do some things for you and you only. You need to make yourself happy before anything else can possibly happen.
I know what you mean Ellie. I guess when people say, “You arent alone”. Its really true.
Thank you for your kind words kyuketsuki. The reason I waited, as I knew it was only this girl that my heart and world wanted. Some people are just meant to be. I know that to be true, even if its not returned. Im certainly not gonna wait for her or any such thing, but, Im not gonna love again as thats not being true to my heart.