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My name is Nick mills. I am 18 going on 19 in march. For my whole life the only person who has cared about me is my father. My mother doesnt care, my siblings resent me, for no real reason, other than that i just don’t belong or have ruined their lives somehow by being birthed into this god forsaken world. Constitantly seeking approval, because no one has ever approved of anything i have done. I am currently on my 5th year of high school, alternative ed starting at the end of last year at Lincoln High School owosso michigan, (track me down and murder me idc) and idk i have one hour a day left starting November until march then i am done. but apparently i need to be punished more so than i have allready been punished during my whole life. I dont know how people can deal with it. ive only become suicidal recently ( a year or so ago) because its all that i think will cause all of this to end. I know suicide isnt ever the answer, but how can it not be? its not like i am bullied or anything, the last time i was bullied was in 4th grade by a kid named Austin Goodwin, who i beat the shit out of and tried to kill. I am a big guy, 300 lbs, and not a lot of people want to mess with me because of that. I used to think that i was mentaly strong, i didnt cry when my best friend died, because i dont want to show emotions. Nor when my favorite uncle who genuinely loved me died. Nor when my great uncle died. as of late i am having troubles sleeping at night, i wake up every 30 minutes for no real reason, and then get in trouble at school when i try not to pass out but do anyways. Oh and im not a crazy person btw. I know well enough not to go postal, hack n slash people. just so you know. i am forced to live with my “mom” and my “step dad” because i cannot ask my father to live with him, its just not possible for me to do. i CANNOT ask people for anything, which is probably why i never took my schools offer for a therapist because they thought someyhing was wrong, i told them no everythings ok multiple times, so they stopped asking me, sometimes i wish theyt just dragged me out of my house or classroom and forced me to see a therapist, but i could never ask for one. its not in my nature to rely on other people to help me solve my problems. im currently reading this suicide: read this first link on the side of the page. hmm..

“You need to hear that people do get through this — even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.”

i know people get through this sort of thing, but i dont think i can. i gave up all hope a month ago. And i have come to the conclusion that my 18 almost 19 years of “life” have been a big joke to people., im the guy thats quite in your classroom, who listens to everything everyone says, im the listener that you can use as an emotional sponge, im the guy who doesnt want to have a girlfriend because it will distract me, im the guy who doesnt show any emotion and tries his best to cover up any sort of emotion leakage with lies, the guy who wants to hear that he is accepted in this world, the guy who will take a bullet for his best friend or a random person, the guy who writes half a book then burns it because i dont think its worthy and wont be approved, the guy who locks himself in his room, the guy who needs a hug from time to time, but no one ever cares.

“Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things – just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.”

i feel like i have given myself enough time.

“People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.”

the only relief is sleep. a coma maybe. maybe people will notice me again.

“Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. ”

its not ok for me to ask for help. i cant do it. its like shots, i havent had one since i was in the hospital because my kidneys shut down. Oh did i mention that? i died there btw, incase you wanted to know, for a whole 10 seconds or 20 i cant remember. the only one who cried was my father. Im sure my mother smiled secretly. she only keeps me around for the tax deduction.

“Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.”

if i could bring myself to get help i wouldnt be ranting on sp

Results of your Depression Quiz You scored a total of 81

So i dont know if thats a good score or bad. i dont feel like reading anymore. im just.. tired.. i want to sleep, im physically tired mentally tired just tired. I dont get tired easily, even though ima big guy, running kills me though and walking really fast. But i can do anything you skinny fuckers can do so i dont care. i can sprint, i can play running back, i can play tag, basketball even though i suck, baseball, soccer, size doesnt mean everything so fuck you.

6k text so far, thats the most i have ever typed into a thing like this, i just realized that ive been stairing at the screen for 10 minutes, this is the first time since elementary school that i havent wanted to look at my keyboard and have been able to type withough looking, thats great.

so enough about me what about you, what do you like to do for fun, movies firneds> games.? ive stopped carring about grammar and spelling as well, i dont care for the difference between your and the other one you’re . their and there they’re are simple because they make sense. and what is with several, why isnt that 7 why is it 4. that makes no sense to me what so ever. i got a a on my test the other day, in case youy wanted to know, but i dont think you care about that. it rained today, it was cool, i think someone was shooting a gun outside, which is strange because i live in the city area and not the forest area. Pre calc was fun as well. i like math. and history. but not science, lol here i go again, back to topic. a few weeks ago my and my best friend shelton parks went to bens house and smoked, it was fun, he got so high, i had fun for a little, iam thirsty, are you? and tired. my step dad wants me to do the dishes, so before we start arguing about nothing i am going to end this here, 7663 letters.