I think I have to be the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. I am a licensed clinical social worker who took an oath to prevent suicide and yet it’s all I think about every night, all night, every day, all day. I hate my existence so much so that every night my only prayer is that I never wake up. I want to cease to exist, to never wake up, to die and forget this horrible thing called “Life”. At times I look at my clients who talk to me about wanting to commit suicide and I want to tell them to “go ahead”. What kind of sick, twisted, miserable social worker thinks that? My God….I am totally shocked at myself yet totally relieved that I can finally let it out. I know that one day I will find the perfect way to die…it’s just a matter of time. Until then….I patiently wait and secretly cheer people on who have had the courage to do it.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
4 comments
I’m about to tell you the last thing you want to hear. I’m eighteen. When I was 14 my best friend killed himself. My role model. The person I wanted to be just like. Me and his family have never recovered. Neither has anybody who loved him. At the time I’m guessing ( NOBODY will ever know ) that he thought he had nobody. Boy was he wrong. If only he saw what it did to his family. His friends. Me.
Please, I’m literally begging you. Please reconsider. I don’t care what you say, people would miss you. People would never recover. People would never be the same. You aren’t alone. You may think you are, but you are not. The only person who can make you feel alone is yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will bounce back. If you say you don’t have anybody, than I am here. I mean that. As a listener. I will spread your message. Email me anytime at defendhope@gmail.com I mean it when I say that if somehow I heard that you carried through with this I would be hurt. This is not the anwser. You WILL get past this.
There’s nothing sick about wanting people to end their suffering, moreover, it’s only hypocrisy if you create a double standard for yourself, which you clearly don’t if it’s true that you want to say “go ahead”.
And as you already know, you may well be suffering vicariously the trauma of your clientele.
Just because you are a helper, it doesn’t mean you won’t ever need help yourself.
Good luck
I was going into the counseling field as well. Even when I was healthier, I did not feel the need to tell anyone to forcibly live life. You’re not alone in that.
Also, there is nothing wrong with seeking help yourself, if you think it will benefit you.