More whatever. More working at a dead end of a job. More jobs to apply to. More more more more. I’m coming up on 5 months at the job. I’m still there. Going there more and more and more. I’m not even sure I have the motivation to kill myself anymore. It’s complacency. It’s what I was afraid of. Days off feel like nothing any more. I spent yesterday like I always did. Playing cards for a few hours then going home to lie on my bed and stare at my phone. I have no motivation for anything. No motivation for job applications. Just nothing. I think I’ve applied to a handful of jobs in the past two weeks or so. Not like a few months ago where I was applying none stop.
Today was my last interview from the last batch of interviews I got. They always seem to come in waves. One day I’m getting 2-4 people asking for an interview then I go a few weeks without any. It doesn’t help that I’ve barely applied to any jobs. This last interview was super fucking stupid. It was basically a logic test if you want to call it that. I had to determine how many buses you’d need for the entire city of paris and how much that would cost. Like I’d fucking know. At one point I needed help with a basic calculation. Definitely not getting the job. I’m not too broken up about it. I never get the job. And this was for some dime a dozen AMR company that would require 90% travel. I don’t really like those. Traveling all of the place would be a pain and AMRs for warehouse seem really boring to work on. Not like I have a right to be picky. Who knows when I’ll get another interview. I’m not exactly hopeful for those jobs that were delayed or that manager talking about getting me a better job.
A little more than a month ago I was dreaming about putting a gun in my mouth. No I barely care at all. Just sleepwalking through life. I guess this is what it means to be truly defeated.