I am in a limbo of life and death. I can take the day one step at a time and find joy in things around me, but I am not living. I sometimes get dizzy because I can imagine the world around me, living on as if I never occurred, and I try to take in as much as possible, knowing I won’t last much longer. In august I had an abortion, and the healing process has been very, very slow and full of challenges. I have only told three people, one of them who doesn’t talk to me anymore, one who won’t talk to me about it and the other being my boyfriend, who has been absent in so many ways.. the other day my mother, not knowing what happened to me, expressed her feelings on the subject. It’s murder, it’s murder! I agreed, hung up, and identified myself as a murderer, a title I had managed to tuck away for a little while. I am supposed to be an artist, but the colour has long left my thoughts. I can cry until I’m dry, and nothing is left. I don’t cut, don’t hurt myself, because that temporary relief is not what I want. What I desire most is to be free of any thought at all… but I can’t do it because I know I would hurt too many people. I don’t do it because there’s this faint hope that I can escape it all, by leaving everything behind, finding something new, but even then that grows dull with the realization that my pain will follow me forever. I wish I could talk more freely about what hangs so tight to my conscience, but I just can’t stand the thought of more judgement.
dream for me
because mine are too scary
and yours make me smile.
4 comments
Honestly, in my opinion, if you had an abortion, it doesn’t make you a terrible person. Don’t think of yourself as a murderer. I’m glad you aren’t hurting yourself. Maybe it’s horrible of me to mention this, but I was pushed into going to a counselor for a couple months and that helped me. Granted, I didn’t have the same thing troubling me. They don’t judge you. It’s their job to help. The one I had was wonderful. Wishing you the best.
Not a murderer at all. just be more careful in the future. accept what has happened and move on 🙂
They never tell you all the effects of an abortion and how emotional it will be. Most women struggle with it. You are not alone. There are many willing to help. The healing process will be long. But you will heal. You will never forget and that is ok, but you can and will heal. I know it seems like there are many that judge you, but most of them understand. Those who are most opposed to abortion frequently have experienced one. One site for help is hopeafterabortion dot com , but there are many others. You have a kind heart and deserve peace. Please seek understanding and healing. Those that are helping women who have had abortions understand the reasons for the abortion and do not judge, but they understand the sorrow. You will find peace if you seek it. I know that seems unlikely now, but with a soft heart like yours you will find peace.
Radiokills, I think it’s perfectly normal to be feeling depressed after you’ve had an abortion. I hear you feeling very isolated and judged. There are support groups for people who have had operations like this for a reason: other people have felt the same way afterwards. You’re not strange for having doubts or possibly feeling remorse. These are normal emotions, and I think surrounding yourself with people who understand where you’re coming from could be very beneficial to you.
Abortion is something you’ll have to come to terms with on your own; I don’t think it’d be anyone’s place here to tell you what to think. A support group could help you process those emotions.