Why I am so paranoid…
Why I refuse to make new friends…
Why I always hide what I feel behind tongues…
Why I think the worst of people whom I had never met…
Why I never get close to anyone…
Well, I will tell you.. But only once for my memory isn’t the best and reliving what had happened only scars me even more…
He was there for me. He wasn’t my significant other or anything, in fact he was more of a big brother to me. You see I used to have an older brother, but he passed away due to cancer.. After many years of not having and older brother, He comes along. At first it was awkward, because he saw the looks I would give people. His first thought of me was unfriendly, mean, and cruel. After talking to me and getting to know me better, he saw I was just a frightened kid looking for someone that would never hurt me. I had been hurt in the past before, which has made me distrust anyone and everyone who would approach. There was something about him though… Something that allowed me to open up to him and allow him to know my secrets no one else will ever know. It took months, but soon we became the best of friends. He would always care for me- text me and comfort me when I was in pain. I was always there for him- making sure he would be happy and always comfort him when he was sad. He was the only person who I ever opened up to so quickly compared to past relation/friendships. He was the only one that would comfort me and make sure I was ok and happy. We did have those fights though… Fights where it would seem like it would be the end of the friendship, but we always seemed to find a way to bounce back and become stronger. I eventually got to the point where I revealed to him my passed brother… and how I felt towards him. I felt that he was my older brother, and I treated him as such. It was at that point he told me he saw me as a sister and that he promised to never hurt me and to never leave me. It seemed official now, I have finally found someone that I could trust. Someone that is willing to protect me rather than hurt. But I was wrong… Very very wrong…
It just seemed to happen out of nowhere. I thought it was another one of our fights where I had to reassure him that I would always be there for him and that I have always cared. However.. he was not having any of it… Said “We could no longer be friends anymore”… My response was “How come?”.. His reply, “Because I thought about it” and that was it… I was in a shock and I tried to figure out the true reason… Told me I was never there for him- that I never cared and never had his back. I tried to tell him that I had always cared and that I had always looked out for him… But he just said “I think your just full of shit”. I had no response to that… The final things he said to me was “Lose my number, take me off of all your contacts” and that was it…
I tried… I really did to try and keep him… Tried to show him that I cared… That he was my older brother.. I tried but it wasn’t enough… Instead I was cut off completely and let behind. Abandoned by the one person I thought I could trust to never leave… Now I just sit here and think to myself the sin I committed to my true older brother… How I was able to call that heartless person my brother… How I could’ve compared that guy with my true older brother… A couple days after when I was able to get the money, I visited my older brother and told him everything… On my knees crying in front of his grave… Apologizing for thinking anyone would ever take his place in my life. I feel so dirty.. I feel so unworthy to be his sister… I betrayed my brother all because I thought I could trust someone who promised to never hurt me. Out of anyone I could even disappoint.. I disappointed him…
It was in those moments that I realized even the most trusted people lie. That promises are nothing…
I just want to say… Im sorry Andrew