If you saw me , met me, got to know me, the last impression you would get from me would be of suicidal tendacies and an evergrowing dependency on otc drugs for helping me sleep or feel good through through the day. Basically I am well mannerred well behaived outwoodly happy like socialble enough to make you believe im basically — ok..    However, I dont remember the last time I was happy. Infact I dont remember even if I ever was happy. I no how to pretend to appear happy. Thats not happy though. I have had friends. Good friends with families that have helped me and i have helped them to no end. They have all seperated. And fight so much and use their kids as the tugg o war rope.  I no howit hurts the kids, how it is slowly eroding their self esteem and self worth away - i read stories in this forums and by kids the same age as theirs.. and I know but cant help them . It tears me apart  but im torn apart already and cannot help.  And I cant help because Dan really never has wanted to be here and for as long as he can remember has always wanted to check out. Oh Dan is me by the way…
I cant be here and when im there I cant be there I cant work cause I dont no from one day or another now if im going to be a crying wreck or a hyperactive superhappy genius. And now i keep dissapearing cause I cant hide behind my happy dan disguise, its old and worn out and leaks.  But at lleast I keep searching for nice ways of dying. Anyway .  Who knows –  Ive been miserabe forever maybee I can get the courage end forever. Bundy rum red   gotta love it  oh well
1 comment
Dan, your message “shot” me deeply. I feel very close to what you have wrote about being sad, sick – whatever of people losing each other and themselves, using kids etc. You can view it that these people and kids and even you, you had nice times in life. It is hard to take all things mostly nice like love, takig care of each other as temporary, but they are.
And about being happy – that is an old dilemma for me (surely for many othera) – are other people happier than me?, Was I ever happy (like they seem to be)?, Do they fake it? etc.
I think you are very intelligent and sensitive which can be hard combination for you, just do not turn it against you.
Wish you all the best, Hugo