When I was a kid I used to climb rocks and mountains, this one time I slipped and was hanging on the edge of a rock, the fall would have certainly resulted in my demise. I was scared, but then I looked down and for some reason I felt more alive there hanging so close to death. I felt so much life in me on that cliff.
10 years latter, I have finished my education, a bachelors degree and latter a masters degree in computer science and with good grades. I have a pretty decent job. I have pretty much accomplished what ever I was struggling for all these years.
Now I don’t see that cliff anymore.
I don’t see any motivation, to continue, it’s just me computer screen and a guitar.
And from past one year I have dealt with so many egoistic persons, I have lost interest in people, and this materialistic world. I feel trapped here, it feels like a never ending downward dive, drowning in endless sky, only to surface on sewage of indecision, on which all perception of self is afloat.
I don’t have anything to live for, in fact my condition is so bad that I don’t even have anything to die for either. Its just this entrapment.
Just to make it clear I don’t want end my life because I am coward to live on, or I am trying to make a point or something like that. There is nothing like that. It’s just I don’t see a purpose to continue, I know there are millions of people who have so many worse problems, and yet they live on with a smile and think of a possibly bright future. But my case is different, I don’t have anything to live for, there is no challenge. There is no future I can think of.