You know that feeling…

You know that feeling when you are losing yourself again, when everything you’ve worked so hard to build up is falling apart? You know you’re slipping but there’s nothing you can do except pray for strength.

I’m 17 and I’ve felt this way far too many times.

I feel lost, like my life has lost all its meaning.

This year, right after summer vacation I was called into the counselors office at school. Last year I had an eating disorder but refused all the help my teachers and counselors tried to give me. She was just checking on me and I excitedly told her how happy I was and how much had changed. Over summer break I worked my butt off to overcome that eating disorder, to strip away all meaning from calories, to stop forcing myself to be sick, to accept my past, to move on. I did it all by myself and I was so proud because I knew I had changed my life.

Since then, my life has been turned upside down once again. My family has a lot of problems and I get really stressed out dealing with them. My school counselor started checking in on me once every other week, but then one week she was concerned I was slipping so she bumped it up to once a week. In the past month my anxiety has been constant, she keeps telling me I have an anxiety disorder, but I don’t want to deal with that too. Over Christmas break she told me I needed to get back on track and keep making progress like I made over the summer, but I’m scared to tell her what has happened.

My eating disorder is back, my anxiety is worse than ever, and everything is out of control. I cry myself to sleep all the time, I feel worthless. The scariest part is, I’m not going to tell anyone. If I tell my counselor she will call my parents, although they have always been in denial and have better things to do than deal with me, my school counselor will make sure I go to a psychologist. I’m not doing that again.

I’m afraid.