Bits and Pieces

Well, this is my first time posting on something like this. I’m not exactly sure how to start, but here goes nothing.

Hi there. I’m sixteen years old and I should be happy. I have a decent family, a decent home, a wonderful school, and a few close friends. I come from a long line of women who have a chemical imbalance which causes depression. Low levels of serotonin influence my moods negatively, according to the doctor. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, it’s actually quite common in women/teenage girls. In my opinion? It’s just another excuse to drug us and take our money.

The last time I went to the doctor, she told me that taking the medicine would return me to normal. She didn’t suggest therapy, support groups, or anything that my parents could do to help the process. According to her, the pills are all I need. She makes it sound like they’re magic, as if I’ll pop one in my mouth and suddenly turn into Sally Sunshine.  At first, I trusted her. I thought, “Why not?” After all, it couldn’t hurt to try. I even got my hopes up, wondering in my head what I’d be like with the motivation and willingness of a person with normal levels. I envisioned myself enjoying day-to-day activities. Unfortunately, they didn’t seem to be doing much at all.

As much as I hated to admit it, I still felt terrible. I continued to feel sad for no reason. It’s the kind of sadness that swallows you whole as if you’re drowning. Physically even, the sadness can affect you in that way. Everything is heavy and hard to do. It’s a struggle to pretend as though you are interested in things. You’ll find yourself avoiding family or friends because you just don’t have to energy to act like you’re having fun doing whatever it is that they want to do. When you see the look of concern on their faces or you sense that you’ve offended/hurt them by refusing, it hurts you too. It makes you hate yourself and wonder why you were made in this way.

Most days, I don’t see a single ounce of purpose in my life. I try to and I really ought to find something to smile about, but I can’t. I know the stress that I’ve put on my friends and family. It seems as though the only thing I’m really good at is causing the people around me trouble. I just want to be able to enjoy spending time with them again. I want them to be at peace knowing that I am happy. I don’t want them to have to worry about me.

I apologize for the jumpiness of this post… I might write more later…