…

I am waking up every day not wanting to do anything but sleep. I push myself to do the things I need to do. I remember learning that the key to overcoming depression is to keep on with your routines. I don’t really agree. There is this hollowness that comes with each day, I smile, I laugh, I behave kindly, I turn the other cheek, I maintain composure, I stifle and stifle…

And I feel dead. I come home to my flat and lay down. Sometimes, I’ll watch a show or read. Sometimes, I’ll spend a few minutes sharing pleasantries with a “friend”. Sometimes, I might go visit a lover and sleep. But it’s all fake. I feel like I have a plastic mask on. I feel like my face is a rubber smile. It’s not even sadness I feel… lethargy, numbness, dissatisfaction.  The heavy tiredness…

I can’t remember the last time I felt true and genuine joy. I have been in and out of therapy and medication management since I was 19. I’m in my 30’s now. It hasn’t gotten easier. I am more hollow and empty. The days go by and I don’t feel much. I say I feel things… but often I wonder if I only say things I imagine a normal living person would feel. Because honestly, I am so tired of living. I am so unhappy even though I smile, even though I take fresh air, even though I take medication, even though I strive toward goals, even though a few things have changed… I just feel numb and it doesn’t matter.

It’s a hard thing to explain. But I know I try. I know I do the things I have read that are supposed to trick your brain happy. It doesn’t work. I wouldn’t say this is exactly misery. It more like an empty hole. It’s a chronic feeling of waking death that when  I let myself ponder it, is a bit unsettling.

Because, why fear death if it means you don’t have to pretend to be alive anymore? Why fear death if you know that your existence is no more special than anyone else’s? You are just another insignificant person in the world who is broken. And you know while other people may be fine with being broken and numb… you know you are not.

I wanted much more than this. I have a friend who lies to me everyday.  This has gone on for several years… they insinuate, hint, and lie to me about how much better things will be one far off day that has yet to be determined. They seem to think that filling my head with fantasies of love, marriage, and children will do something for me. Maybe at one time it did. Very briefly. I think I woke up when I met them… but once I sussed out that it was the same as always… I think I just kind of slipped back slowly… unbeknownst to me. I did what I always did: try, smile, keep going, try not to be too heady, be kind… etc.

Put my best foot forward.

Only I can’t feel a thing. I just pretend that I do. I try to force myself to. But honestly, it makes no difference.

Do you think laughing at someone’s shame (even if it’s only an assumption of the feeling I should be having) is helpful?

Why can’t I be like you? Why am I unable to ignore being numb?

I think you don’t understand.